Posts Tagged ‘straight spouse’

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VIRTUAL SUPPORT EFFECTIVE

May 6th, 2015 by Carol Grever

 

I was recently invited to participate in a private Facebook group for straight spouses in Australia.  Since I live in the United States and most of my contacts are in this country, it has been interesting to read accounts from “down under” of people dealing with mixed orientation relationships.  Most of the FB participants are women in the early stages of recovery after their husbands have come out. 

Many are mothers with children still at home, others are middle-aged or older.  They share day-to-day disappointments and progress, as well as moments of despair or hope—the mixed bag of emotions familiar to all straight spouses, no matter where they live.  They ask and answer questions about depression, anger, spousal abuse or subterfuge, finances, health concerns, how to help their children understand, and on and on.  They live in different cities, but they support each other effectively via their Internet friendships.

The similarity of their experience to that of Americans is real and not surprising.  In matters of love and betrayal, we are much alike.  I expected that parallel, but the Aussies’ raw openness is different.  They share daily detailed accounts of emotional wounds with utter candor, with no hesitation or embarrassment.  They share deeply and don’t mince words.  They celebrate small wins--“I got a new haircut, shorter than my husband liked.”  They also reveal rage and despair—“This is not worth the effort.” 

Through the years, straight spouses from three continents have contacted me, seeking reassurance and guidance as they regain their balance and sense of self.  Regardless of their religion, culture, native language, or home country, there is a recognizable pattern in their experience.  With some individual variation, they move through the phases of recovery described in an earlier post on this Website (“Stages of Recovery,” May 28, 2008).  After the initial shock of disclosure, they may have an odd sense of relief (Whew!  It wasn’t me!), followed by a mixture of denial and confusion that may include elements of self-blame, as well as sympathy for the gay partner’s pain.  After facing their new reality, the next stage is fraught with danger:  Anger or rage, grief, and despair.  In extreme cases, violence or self-harm occur.  Some spouses give up completely; a few succumb to addictions or choose suicide.  These typical reactions have occurred over and over, colored by the particular culture of the country.

Hope is not lost, however.  Though the painful earlier stages are all part of the process of recovery, occurring and recurring in a maddening cycle, they are not interminable.  A trigger event usually creates a turning point that leads to acceptance of what cannot be changed.  Recognition of their new reality opens the ground for eventual forgiveness and discovery of new meaning beyond one’s small self. 

None of this process is guaranteed, nor is it a mechanical evolution with certain closure.  In order to move through it successfully, support from knowledgeable, understanding peers is almost essential   I cannot imagine surviving my own transition into independence and a rewarding new career without the early encouragement of a straight spouse peer group.  In face-to-face meetings, I found comfort and reassurance that I was not alone.  I discovered that straight spouses are legion.  We exist in every country and somehow find individual pathways toward healing. 

Now that the Internet is pervasive, our virtual contact through social media seems to work as well.  The Australian Facebook community for straight spouses is one excellent example.  This is therefore an enthusiastic endorsement of peer support and the power of our own words to heal ourselves and each other.  Keep talking, people!  You can get through this!

 

 

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Posted in Current Affairs, My Mission, Other Resources, Recovery Tips | 6 Comments »

“HOMOWIVES” IN CHINA FIND VOICE

March 6th, 2015 by Carol Grever

 

Most straight spouses feel unique in their mixed-orientation dilemma, though these mismatched couples can be found everywhere in the world.  During two decades of writing about these relationships, I have received related contacts from Canada, Mexico, El Salvador, Thailand, Australia, England, South Africa, in addition to my home country of the United States.  It’s clear that these challenging marriages are a world-wide phenomenon. 

An online article in Quartz by Zheping Huang gave startling statistics about female straight spouses in China.  Until recently, such marriages were not publicly acknowledged, though scholarly estimates number them in the millions.  Zhang Beichuan, a scholar in the field, estimates that China has twenty million male homosexuals and 80% of them will marry a woman.  Eighty percent!  Social and cultural pressure to do so is pervasive. This contrasts strikingly with the estimated 15-20% of American gays who marry. 

Young men in China, gay or straight, are pressured to marry in order to father an heir.  Divorce is out of the question, and the wives are trapped. Female straight spouses in China are dubbed "homowives," short for wives of homosexuals.  The Quartz article focuses on these women’s extreme predicament and their mounting support for gay marriage. Their goal is to remove some of the social pressure for gay men to marry women and to legalize same-sex marriage.  Quoting the article:

“Homowives” and their supporters are getting more vocal about their own situations, and the need for China to become more accepting of homosexuality. Zhang Ziwei, a 27-year-old corporate secretary from Nanchang, southeast China’s Jiangxi Province, who dated a gay man three years ago, now manages a QQ chat group on the topic with more than one hundred members. She is translating two books—My Husband Is Gay and When Your Spouse Comes Out, written by Carol Grever, an American woman who married a gay man—into Chinese.

These women are becoming vocal activists to urge legalization of same-sex marriage.  Though their efforts have not yet come to fruition, it is gratifying to know that my books may be useful in their efforts.

Click the link below to read the whole Quartz article.   

http://qz.com/329575/chinas-homowives-are-becoming-unlikely-champions-for-gay-rights/

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DECIDING A GREAT CIVIL RIGHTS QUESTION

January 19th, 2015 by Carol Grever

      

       The United States is approaching a definitive answer to what the New York Times calls “one of the great civil rights questions in a generation.” Our Supreme Court agreed to decide if gay marriage must be allowed in all 50 United States.  More than 70 percent of Americans already live in places where gay couples can marry.  Same-sex marriage is already legal in 36 states and the District of Columbia.  Now is the time for positive Supreme Court action.The high court will hear arguments, probably in late April of this year. 

          This news is a relevant topic for Straight Spouse Connection.  Many readers of this blog are middle-aged or older and have already been victimized by societal pressures requiring traditional marriage.  Their gay spouses felt compelled to marry to hide their sexual orientation.  Many languished in mixed-orientation relationships for decades before one spouse came out.  They are already casualties, their damage done.  Other younger gay people continue to marry straight partners because of religious beliefs, family, social or career pressures.  This news about a Supreme Court decision is germane in all these scenarios.

          Though they can’t change their past, many older straight spouses are “paying it forward.”  Perhaps their closeted anguish helped build the current momentum toward a definitive decision to honor the dignity of same-sex relationships—to prevent future grief of straight men and women unknowingly entering disastrous mixed marriages.

          The future looks brighter for those just entering marriage, gay or straight.  Legal recognition of same-sex marriage nation-wide would measurably alleviate gay people’s need to hide their sexual orientation through secrecy, deception, and double lives.  It would diminish the significant legal and emotional burdens caused by local discriminatory laws, freeing people to marry as they choose and enjoy legal protections they previously were denied.  Thus, legalizing same-sex marriage would mean fewer mismatched couples entering ill-fated gay-straight bonds, with the inevitable pain of discovery.

          Legalization of gay marriage in the United States would not be binding anywhere else in the world, but many other countries have preceded us in this decision.  Same-sex marriage is currently legal in 18 countries, the earliest acceptance by The Netherlands in 2000.  The most recent countries following suit are England, Wales, Brazil, France, New Zealand, and Uruguay in 2013, and Scotland and Luxembourg last year.  After years of political posturing and religious protestations, world opinion is leaning toward broader acceptance. 

          Surely our Supreme Court will see the need, heed the trend, and make a positive decision to sanction gay marriage.  If even one mixed-orientation couple can be saved from a doomed marriage, coerced by family, religious, social, or professional pressure, efforts to legalize same-sex marriage have not been wasted.

 

 

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Posted in Current Affairs, My Mission, Religion, Upcoming Events | 6 Comments »

ADVICE FOR A NEW BEGINNING

November 6th, 2014 by Carol Grever

 

“I have met a straight spouse 'survivor', and over time I found I really admired her and like her very much, but I am finding that dating her has its hidden challenges.  She was very honest and up front, and is 3 years post finding out.  She has dealt with the aftermath with dignity and courage.  But I sure would like to be aware of the pitfall issues, especially where it triggers feelings.  I can deal with the emotions; just don't want to cause her hurt.  Would you consider a do’s and don’ts column for those of us that appear after?”

~ ~ ~

This sincere call for help noted that such an article would be a “tall order,” but it spotlights another aspect of the straight spouse journey—finding happiness with a new partner.  What should a new suitor know about the distinct needs of a recovering straight spouse?  What particular sensitivities remain that could sabotage a subsequent romantic relationship?

Let’s open the next chapter.  What does a person dating a straight spouse need to know to create a wholesome and positive bond?  My book, When Your Spouse Comes Out: A Straight Mate’s Recovery Manual (The Haworth Press, 2008) has whole chapters on related topics, but for this article I posed the question to three straight spouses who have previously contributed comments to this blog.  I also asked my most obvious source, my own husband, who stumbled on a few pitfalls himself in our early days together.  All of us have walked this path and all contributed to the advice summarized here.

Common Challenges; Sage Advice

Fear and loss of trust.  Break-ups after a mate comes out are fraught with feelings of betrayal.  Trust has been destroyed because what appeared to be true was not.  The fear that such deception could happen again creates a long-lasting wound that takes years to heal.  Vague suspicion surrounds each potential suitor, who must prove his sincerity.  As one survivor noted, I think it’s a good idea for anyone who gets into a relationship with a straight spouse to expect occasional insecurity, even some suspicion that you might be hiding something. 

Kathe was specific about her requirements:  The big three I looked for in a new relationship were truth, faithfulness, and commitment.  I decided that I wouldn’t compromise any of them. Ask for and give complete honesty.  Talk through the source of fears and offer repeated reassurance that this is a new start.  That was then, this is now.  As Louella put it, I can go on trusting until I discover a reason for distrust.

Lingering anger.  Every divorced straight spouse carries hidden triggers or hooks for blocked anger.  It simmers under the surface and flares unexpectedly. Some hold it longer and more deeply than others.  Triggers are individual and unpredictable, rooted in past experiences that no one else can fully comprehend.  This pitfall requires patience, understanding, and often forgiveness.  A good practice is to try to stand in the straight spouse’s place, exchange yourself for her and see each incident from her perspective.  This develops empathy for her wound.  Recognize and try to avoid the hook that precipitated a particular outburst.  

Shame, self-doubt.  Straight spouses are repeatedly asked, “Didn’t you know?”  The implied “How could you not know?” is one source of the deep-seated shame that many feel.  Feeling stupid is the common result, often leading to long-term self-doubt.   Obviously the gay partner was adept at deception.  The kindest approach for a healing straight spouse is frequent, mutual reminders that the one who was misled is neither stupid nor blind—just deceived. 

Nervousness about intimacy.  Volatility in a new relationship may be rooted in sexual insecurity.  As Jackie put it, When you’ve been sexually rejected, or you’ve been blamed for the sex in your mixed-orientation marriage not being good, or you’ve otherwise had emotionally fraught experiences with sex, approaching sex again tends to be scary because in the past, it’s been traumatic. I think it’s a good idea for anyone who gets into a relationship with a straight spouse to occasionally expect some sexual insecurity.  Once again, patience, empathy, and understanding are needed.

Unexpected, recurring grief.  Changing family and social ties and the disintegration of one’s expected future invite bouts of recurring sadness for straight spouses.  They endure many losses that have to be grieved, sooner or later:  Divorce, loss of identity, shaken friendships, family alienation, feelings of worthlessness. 

Deep wounds require long healing.  Louella Komuves wrote a book to help herself heal (Silent Sagas: Unsung Sorrows, iUniverse, 2006).  After eleven years happily remarried, Louella recalls an example of repeated grief.  The date of her anniversary with her first [gay] husband was approaching.  Next year, that anniversary will be 50 years ago that we married.  When I realized that, suddenly I needed to be "sad" because that time would not be celebrated in the very special ways that both my parents and in-laws enjoyed. . . . However, knowing that my second husband is a great listener, I had no trouble sharing with him my sadness.  Once I said aloud what I was feeling, it was like getting the thought "out of my body" and gave me the renewed freedom to be content in my current status.  It is natural to grieve personal losses, like missing a benchmark anniversary, but episodes like this pass even more quickly with an understanding listener. 

Shared values.  For many straight spouses, compatible spiritual paths are a vital component of complete recovery.  Shared spirituality as a core value grounds relationships.  At the very least, tolerance for differences in belief systems is essential for lasting connection.  As Louella observes, it was not important that the man belong to my religion (mainline Protestant denomination), but I needed him to know how important my personal involvement in church activities is to me.  Though her husband feels welcome to participate, he doesn’t feel obligated to join Louella’s church.  Instead, each encourages the other to practice their individual spiritual journeys—in a loving, open, supportive atmosphere. 

Wisdom from experience.  My husband, Dale, who has lived through Kevin’s dilemma, offers his advice on loving and understanding a recovering straight spouse.

  • Examine yourself.  This new relationship is more complex than most.  What is your goal for the best possible outcome?
  • Keep talking!  When you hit a pitfall, ask exactly what happened and how it felt.  Ask her to help you understand her needs. Your own sensitivity is a good foundation for this developing relationship.   
  • Explore your own feelings and attitudes toward homosexuality and inform yourself about related issues. Learn the facts.
  • Be aware and accepting of her lifelong relationships formed prior to your life together.  Her family ties, her history with a gay husband, her children, friends from her previous life—these will not go away and may become more complicated.  You’ll have to put the pieces of this puzzle together in a new design that works for you both. 
  • You can’t hate.  Accept your new reality and try to drop negativity.  Also understand that her recovery will be complete when she can truly forgive.
  • Realize that long-term healing will be required.  It takes several years.
  • Finally, when you hook an emotional response, talk it out immediately and remember that the trigger episode from the past “doesn’t belong to you.”

Shared responsibility.  A survivor’s new mate should give frequent reassurance to support renewed self-confidence, but both people carry responsibility for the ultimate success of their developing partnership.  Jackie articulated the point very well:     

I still have a responsibility to be in good working order. It’s one thing to ask a partner to tag a base every now and then—“no, I’m not hiding anything” or “yes, I think you’re sexy”—but it’s not okay for me to be a constant ball of insecurity. I have a responsibility to know my triggers and not bite my partner’s head off if he accidentally sets one off. And if there are desires or habits that aren’t a good match, it may mean that we’re not sexually compatible--not because there’s something that needs to change about him. So, kudos on the sensitivity, but you never have to sign up for bad treatment or become a different person sexually just because a straight spouse has gone through a trauma.

Find professional help.  Addressing recurring issues requires unique solutions for each couple. There are no neat formulas to follow. For that reason, it is important, perhaps imperative, to engage in joint and individual counseling with informed professionals.  Use these resources to work out your best possible future.  Drawing from her own experience, Jackie’s reminder applies:  You never have to sign up for bad treatment or become a different person just because a straight spouse has gone through a trauma.  Hopefully, her great qualities outweigh these inconveniences, and the satisfying parts of the relationship are worth the price of admission.

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Posted in Current Affairs, My Mission, Other Resources, Recovery Tips | 2 Comments »

SAVING WHAT MATTERS

July 31st, 2014 by Carol Grever

 

If you searched out Straight Spouse Connection, you are probably in the grip of grief.  Loss drives straight spouses to come here seeking information, comfort, and connection.  The articles here emphasize assurance that pain passes and a calmer, happier future is possible.  In many cases, the mixed-orientation crisis opens a door to something even better.

I found echoes of that inspiring truth in one of my favorite blogs, Andi O’Conor’s Burning Down the House:  Essays on the Poetry of Loss.   Andi’s family home burned when she was twelve, her parents and siblings barely escaping by jumping out second-story windows.  Again, as an adult, fire destroyed the home she’d built for herself in Four Mile Canyon near Boulder, Colorado.  Andi writes of these ironic, devastating losses in a wise, constructive way. 

Her latest post also has a link to her TED talk titled “A Pretty Good Deal.”  In this moving video, she gives convincing evidence that “losing everything can restore your faith in humanity.”

I highly recommend that you visit and browse Andi’s posts to learn how she overcame loss and grief and rebuilt a more rewarding life and career.  Her story is full of hope and it’s totally relevant to the straight spouse experience.  Above all, take ten minutes to watch her TED Talk. 

http://www.burningdownthehouseblog.com/a-pretty-good-deal

Like Andi, people in mixed orientation relationships may be living in a "house with walls that need to come down."  I’ve tested and witnessed that concept personally and found it sound.  Every seeming disaster in my past has somehow opened my heart and mind to something better.  That message is so beautifully stated in Andi's blog and her video.  I'm a grateful fan and I think you will be as well.

                                                                 Carol

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Posted in Current Affairs, Film, My Mission, Other Resources, Recovery Tips, Web/Tech, Weblogs | 2 Comments »

LEGALIZE SAME-SEX MARRIAGE? A STRAIGHT SPOUSE PERSPECTIVE

October 16th, 2012 by Carol Grever

    I received an email this week from a woman whose
story gave me chills.  It was a close
parallel of my own experience in discovering my husband’s homosexuality:  Thirty years of marriage, grown children, a
secret bank account to assure his separate financial ease, withdrawal from sex
and affection, mysterious absences, and on and on.  It was like reading again the first chapter
of My Husband Is Gay!  And it was an emotional reminder that the
straight spouse saga continues for millions of people even now. 

     Why does this keep happening?  One obvious reason is remaining societal
pressure to hide homosexual orientation—to pretend to be straight and to carry
that pretense into marriage with an unsuspecting partner.  Until gays no longer fear “being found out,”
until their careers are no longer threatened, until their families  and churches accept them for who they really
are, mixed-orientation relationships will continue to be consummated—usually
headed toward heartbreak and dissolution. 
I have heard it countless times from married gays:  “I played the role as long as I could, as
long as I could stand to live that lie.” 
When that breaking point is reached, the marriage contract is breached,
and everyone involved suffers.

    If same-sex marriage were legalized and socially
accepted, there would be no need for anyone to hide his or her sexual
orientation and a possible end to the straight spouse calamity.  That’s why the Straight Spouse Network and
other peer support organizations urge legalization.  In the upcoming U.S. election, this debate has
utterly polarized the population.  Half a
dozen states and the District of Columbia have already legalized gay marriage,
giving a hint of hope for broader acceptance and change.  The fact that the issue is in the national
conversation at all is a sign of progress.

    Presidential candidates are on opposite poles
here.  Barack Obama supports legal
recognition of same-sex marriage, as decided by states.  Mitt Romney says it should be banned completely
with an amendment to the U.S. Constitution. 
In Maine, Maryland, and the state of Washington, voters will decide
whether to legalize gay marriage. Residents of four additional states will vote
this November on related questions.  But
strong resistance is still apparent: 
Minnesota voters will decide whether to ban gay marriage in their state constitution, as 30 other states
have already done.

    Growing acknowledgement that our sexual
orientation is not a “choice,” that it is inborn and irreversible, is a
positive sign.  But the ultimate goal of
tolerance and acceptance of all sexual identities is yet unattained; witness
the persistent advocacy of psychologically damaging “reparative” or “gay
conversion therapy.”  Overwhelming
societal prejudice continues to push gay people to marry heterosexual partners out
of fear and shame. 

    I believe that few gay people enter marriage with
the cynical intention of hurting their mates. 
In fact, I think that the opposite is true.  They may marry for love with a misguided wish
to change their orientation; they may want children of their own; they may be
supporting an ambitious career; they may have conservative religious prescriptions
or strong family pressures.  These and
other factors affect a gay person’s decision to marry a straight mate.  However, for all but a small fraction of
couples, none of these reasons will sustain the marriage over a lifetime.  Sooner or later, cracks appear in the
previously impervious intentions.  The
marriage fails.

    One phrase from last week’s email stays with
me:  “I feel like he died, the man that I
thought I married.”  This is the poignant
result of decades of lies.  While every
straight spouse message I receive is different in details, all are the same in
one respect.  These mixed relationships
are built upon a basic untruth, a denial of one partner’s sexual reality.  When that denial crumbles, the world falls apart
for the straight spouse. My response to that distraught woman was
familiar:  “This is not your fault and
you are not responsible for what he has done. 
You are also not alone!  We are
like millions of others whose trust has been broken by a gay mate.” 

    Though it’s hard to find a bright spot in the
midst of such crisis, experience proves that survival and a happier future are
possible.  Society is slowly progressing
toward more enlightened acceptance and straight spouses do have increased
resources for recovery through the Internet and a widening range of therapeutic
tools.  Even in the darkness of despair, one
can still see the stars.

 

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Posted in Current Affairs | 9 Comments »

ENCOURAGEMENT MY MISSION

July 17th, 2012 by Carol Grever

“I was numb and reeling upon my discovery that my husband of 30 years is gay.  I have three children with him . . .”

“My wife is in love with another woman . . .”

“I ‘outed’ my husband last month, after I discovered a string of emails he had written in response to several gay personal ads. . .”

Every week there are emails like this in my inbox, yesterday one from a woman in South Africa.  Responding to each one, I understand that I’ve been on a mission for more than a decade, ever since my first book was published, to deliver a simple message:  You are not alone and you can overcome this seeming disaster.  Because the Internet provides opportunity to connect worldwide in personal ways, this work remains viable.

My own husband acknowledged that he had “homosexual tendencies” after we had been married for many years.  As his story unfolded, I learned that he had acted on those “tendencies” during most of our marriage.  He left no clues and I suspected nothing, though I had been at risk from his behavior for decades.  I spent months feeling somehow responsible for my husband’s homosexuality.  I felt deficient as a wife, as a woman, and my self-esteem plummeted.  Moreover, I felt really stupid, not to have “gotten it” sooner.  Hoping to salvage our marriage, I shared his closet of secrecy for much too long. 

If I had known then what I know now, I would have realized that he had always been homosexual and that his sexual orientation had nothing to do with me at all.  I wasn’t blind or stupid; I was deceived by his facile lies and hidden truth.  If I had been more knowledgeable at the time, I wouldn’t have blamed myself, nor would I have tried to save my marriage.  Instead, I would have put all that energy into building a new identity and future. 

It was this personal history that launched my writing and informal counseling vocation.  As I struggled through my own confusion, anger, depression, grief, and all the other stages of coping, I kept a journal of my feelings and experiences.  The journal informed my first book, My Husband Is Gay.  The singular purpose of all my books, documentary DVD, Website and blog is to help straight spouses reconfigure their lives in a positive, healthy way and to realize that this one life event need not destroy their future happiness.      

Looking back, I honestly have no regrets.  The entire experience supplied the healing lessons in my books and gave these subsequent years constructive direction and purpose.  My former husband and I are both happier now, both remarried to wonderful men, and both free to be completely authentic.  If my life had not taken this unexpected turn, I would probably not have pursued my life-long dream of being a writer. 

If I have one message to shout to the world, it is this.  Living a lie is hell.  Hiding one’s true identity is a recipe for disaster for all involved, and the longer it takes for the truth to come out, the worse the outcome. 

Sam, a gay man who appears in my documentary, One Gay, One Straight: Complicated Marriages, stressed the imperative for honesty.  He had told his wife that he didn’t love her anymore because he couldn’t make himself say, “I’m gay.”  This lie was more devastating to her than the facts.  When he finally came out to his wife and their son, the fifteen-year-old replied, "It's OK, Dad, I still love you."  Sam concluded that to be open and honest is better for everyone.  I agree. 

Every straight spouse feels unique, but there are millions of us in the world.  Fortunately, there is help at hand on the Internet and in well-researched books and videos.  Though it may feel as if you’re the only person who has ever suffered in this way, remember that others have survived the crisis to eventually thrive in unexpected ways.  My mission to help straight spouses reclaim their self-esteem continues.

 

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Posted in My Mission, Recovery Tips | 5 Comments »

THE ART OF LETTING GO

October 6th, 2011 by Carol Grever

Cheryl was married to Joe for 15 years when she stumbled onto evidence of  homosexual liaisons on their home computer.  Stunned, she couldn’t believe that he had been arranging meetings with various men for months, but a deeper look at his emails and internet history made it undeniable. 

Cheryl confronted Joe directly and he seemed almost relieved to admit his secret activities that had gone on for more than four years.  His clandestine meetings with other gay men had gone beyond superficial sex and he was deeply involved with another man.  For weeks Joe had wrestled with plans to come out to his wife and say that he wanted to leave her.  Clues he’d left on the computer were not entirely accidental.

The two subsequently separated.  During the following months Cheryl tried to reconcile herself to her new single life, alone in an apartment, trying to pick up the pieces of her shattered confidence.  She couldn’t help wondering what Joe was doing, how he and his new boyfriend were getting on.  She couldn’t forget happy times she and Joe had shared, though she tried to stop remembering.  She knew they couldn't recover their marriage, which was irretrievably broken, but she and Joe had a long history together and she still felt tied to him. 

Cheryl’s challenge was to make a clean break -- first to grasp the fact that her marriage was over, and then to distance herself enough to recover.

Stories like these are common.  It seems particularly difficult for women to let go of their emotional ties after a separation.  What does it mean “to let go” anyway?  When a gay-straight relationship ends, the best definitions of this stage of recovery come from straight spouses themselves.  Here are some suggestions from the Straight Spouse Network, gathered from people who have moved through their conflict.

Letting Go

  • To let go doesn't mean to stop caring.  It means I can't do it for someone else.
  • To let go is not to cut myself off.  It's the realization that I don't control another.
  • To let go is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.
  • To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.
  • To let go is not to try to change or blame another.  I can only change myself.
  • To let go is not to care for, but to care about.
  • To let go is not to fix, but to be supportive.
  • To let go is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.
  • To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their own outcomes.
  • To let go is not to be protective.  It is to permit another to face reality.
  • To let go is not to deny, but to accept.
  • To let go is not to nag, scold or argue, but to search out my own shortcomings and to correct them.
  • To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires, but to take each day as it  comes and to cherish the moment.
  • To let go is not to criticize and regulate anyone, but to try to become what I dream I can be.
  • To let go is not to regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.
  • To let go is to fear less and love more.

How these definitions might apply to a particular situation depends upon the individuals’ interpretation, but the principles are sound.  These definitions point to one conclusion:  The only factor we can control is our own mind.  Change your mind and you change your life.

Cheryl managed to pick herself up by starting with small adjustments in her daily routines.  She painted the walls of her new apartment her favorite color, light sage green.  Living in a different neighborhood, she shopped at a new grocery and found a choice coffee shop in easy walking distance.  She joined a fitness class and got acquainted with a whole new group.  She stopped talking about Joe to her old friends and made a conscious effort to live in the present moment, not looking back.  She even adopted a fresh hairstyle and a more casual, comfortable way to dress.  In short, Cheryl recreated herself and reconfigured her life as a single woman.  She is moving on!

Singer Lena Horne famously said, “It’s not the load that breaks you down.  It’s how you carry it.”  That concept applies perfectly to Cheryl and other straight spouses who have conquered their grief and fears to thrive in a new way.  Letting go is the first step.

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ADDICTIONS COMPLICATE STRAIGHT SPOUSE DILEMMA

April 23rd, 2011 by Carol Grever

The complexities of a mixed-orientation marriage increase exponentially when one or both partners suffer addictions.  A recent email from a straight spouse highlighted this multi-layered affliction.  Here is an excerpt from her message.

My husband and I met over 13 years ago. . . . Twelve years later he came out to me and to many acquaintances.  At first I did not see how it could change what we had.  Now that he has been out for a few months, I am having difficulty coping with my feelings.  We still love each other, but I have lost my trust in him . . . .  I feel all alone.  We both suffer from alcoholism and drug addiction.  We have over six months of recovery and are active members of AA.  That is why this all came up.  My husband was working on clearing the wreckage of his past, and his true self came to the surface. 

Addictions themselves add enormous difficulty to the problems of a coming-out event.  Two major life changes are happening at once—getting sober and revealing one’s true sexual identity.  The entire family is affected by both challenges.  While the12-Step program of Alcoholics Anonymous has effectively helped millions recover from dependence on alcohol and drugs, working through the steps transforms people in fundamental ways.  They set out to conquer their addiction, but in the process they alter their ideals, standards, and daily life.  An elemental shift is happening, whether it is the gay or the straight partner engaged in the AA program. 

These psychic alterations further complicate their marital dilemma.  For example, AA’s Step 4 requires a deep and fearless moral inventory of character defects and wrongs done.  Step 5 demands openly admitting those wrongs to a neutral party.  Steps 8 and 9 require making amends to anyone harmed by earlier actions.  People spend months or years occupied with these steps toward sober living. 

The drama is even more complicated when both partners are in AA.  If they both fully participate in the 12-Step program, each understands the transformational process.  But if only one partner experiences this psychic shift, the mate’s alienation increases.  The chasm widens and the probability of saving their marriage diminishes even further.  Still, the indisputable benefits of overcoming a drug and/or alcohol addiction make recovery efforts intrinsically worthwhile. 

Perceived dangers to a rocky mixed-orientation marriage should not deter an alcoholic from joining AA.  Day by day, recovering addicts and alcoholics reconfigure their very lives.  Sincere adherence to AA’s 12 Steps can lead to freedom from addiction, while simultaneously mapping a very different life path.  The work involves total honesty around self-centeredness, resentments, fear, and sexual behavior.  A spiritual awakening often occurs as a person’s “Higher Power” is identified.  Viewpoint, values, and lifestyle all drastically change.  Lies and secrecy are no longer tolerated.  Minds are clear, not muddled by chemicals.  Ongoing personal assessments fuel even more change. 

At best, compassion, forgiveness, gratitude, and humanitarian service are evidence of the personal growth encouraged by AA.  The downside is that the partners may grow in different directions and recovery from addiction becomes another catalyst to separate.  However, statistically, these gay-straight relationships have less than a 15% chance of survival under any circumstances, even if addiction is not present.  The most positive conclusion, of course, is to have both partners living the life they choose, clean and sober, productive and proud, whether gay or straight, single or together.   

 

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HEALING GRIEF: MARKERS OF PROGRESS

July 7th, 2010 by Carol Grever

    “Stages of Recovery,” dated May, 2008, is the most
frequently visited page on this blog.  Visitors
to this site look for reassurance that their current misery will eventually
heal.  Like other straight spouses before
them, they seek to understand recognizable steps toward their own
recovery. 

    After the early stages of shock, confusion, denial and
self-blame, straight spouses face the realities of a mixed-orientation
relationship and its rush of tough decisions. 
This awareness leads to anger and despair, along with profound
grief.  We mourn the loss of security,
trust, and expectations of a predictable future. 
We are set adrift in a sea of uncertainty and we grieve our loss as we
grief a death.  Indeed, it is the death of
the future we’d planned. 

    This “dark hole” of rage and grief may last for months or
even years.  But for most, often aided by
competent counseling, deeper healing begins. 
How do we know when this turning point has come?  What hopeful signs can we see?  Centura Health offered a useful list of these signs in their
September, 2007 issue of Seasons of
Grief.” A summary of the article is
relevant to straight spouse recovery and offers markers of progress.

  • You
    look outside yourself with enough energy to reach out to others while
    coping with your own grief.
  • You
    can express and live with your emotions, as they lessen in intensity over
    time.
  • Episodes
    of emotional turmoil abate.
  • Sadness
    is often present, but does not deepen into depression.
  • You
    open to social contacts and resume traditional ways of being in the world.
  • You
    let go of guilt and blame, realizing that you did your best.
  • You
    have glimpses of meaning in life, moments of hope and joy.
  • You
    begin to plan for the future.

    As grief subsides, most straight spouses reinforce their own
inner resources, looking forward to new interests and new friends.  For some, forgiveness is possible as wounds
heal.  This is a new beginning.  When we see every experience as a teacher,
every stage of recovery as fuel for waking up, we are well on our way to wholeness
and a happier phase of life.

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