Posts Tagged ‘same-sex marriage’

THE BATTLE’S WON; THE WAR CONTINUES

June 27th, 2015 by Carol Grever

 

A major battle for legal gay marriage in the United States was finally concluded on June 26, 2015 in a landmark decision by a divided Supreme Court.  In a 5-4 decision, Justice Anthony Kennedy wrote the majority ruling that same-sex couples can now marry in every state of the union, establishing a consistent, nationwide policy that guarantees equal civil rights, regardless of sexual orientation or identification.  Same-sex couples now enjoy the same legal rights and benefits as married heterosexual couples.

This long-awaited legal protection of same-sex marriage represents the culmination of a gay-rights movement that began in New York in 1969 with the “Stonewall Riots.”  The “Rainbow Revolution,” advocating equal civil rights, has simmered and exploded in various locations since.  Finally, this question has been settled in this country—for the whole nation and territories, not just one state at a time. 

In a remarkable display of high level support for the court’s decision, President Barack Obama ordered that the exterior of the White House be lighted up with rainbow colors to celebrate.  However, this progress cannot be taken for granted, particularly in the wildly unpredictable political climate ushered in by the 2016 election of President Donald Trump.

For American straight spouses who have already suffered the consequences of ill-fated marriages to gays, this vital court decision came too late.  Their gay husbands or wives felt compelled, for a variety of individual reasons, to enter conventional male-female marriages.  Nearly all such relationships eventually fail, with the straight spouse the most obvious victim.  However, a mixed-orientation marriage that ends in divorce punishes everyone involved, including the gay partner and any children of the union.  No one wins.

Existing legal protections may have diminished the number of mixed-orientation marriages in the U.S., though it did not end these mismatches altogether.  Other significant societal factors remain, including family, social, career, and religious pressures. 

A fundamental change in public attitudes will be the ultimate deterrent to mixed-orientation relationships.  After a very slow start, public opinion here is moving toward broader acceptance of lawful marriage for any loving couple, regardless of sexual identification or orientation.  It took a half-century to reach this point, but the pace has finally quickened.  When societal acceptance advances sufficiently, that could end the straight spouse dilemma, as we know it.

The United States is only the world’s twenty-first country to legalize these unions nationwide and to guarantee all couples equal dignity in the eyes of the law.  Such legal sanctioning of same-sex marriage remains an open question in other places in the world, and familiar debates and arguments can be heard in Australia and elsewhere.  While this latest U.S. Supreme Court battle is won, there will certainly be continued push-back from states-rights advocates and others with strong negative opinions.  Dissenting Court Justice Antonin Scalia scathingly called the ruling a “threat to American democracy.”  It may take another generation for truly equal rights for all, but we appear to be moving in the right direction at last.

“HOMOWIVES” IN CHINA FIND VOICE

March 6th, 2015 by Carol Grever

 

Most straight spouses feel unique in their mixed-orientation dilemma, though these mismatched couples can be found everywhere in the world.  During two decades of writing about these relationships, I have received related contacts from Canada, Mexico, El Salvador, Thailand, Australia, England, South Africa, in addition to my home country of the United States.  It’s clear that these challenging marriages are a world-wide phenomenon. 

An online article in Quartz by Zheping Huang gave startling statistics about female straight spouses in China.  Until recently, such marriages were not publicly acknowledged, though scholarly estimates number them in the millions.  Zhang Beichuan, a scholar in the field, estimates that China has twenty million male homosexuals and 80% of them will marry a woman.  Eighty percent!  Social and cultural pressure to do so is pervasive. This contrasts strikingly with the estimated 15-20% of American gays who marry. 

Young men in China, gay or straight, are pressured to marry in order to father an heir.  Divorce is out of the question, and the wives are trapped. Female straight spouses in China are dubbed "homowives," short for wives of homosexuals.  The Quartz article focuses on these women’s extreme predicament and their mounting support for gay marriage. Their goal is to remove some of the social pressure for gay men to marry women and to legalize same-sex marriage.  Quoting the article:

“Homowives” and their supporters are getting more vocal about their own situations, and the need for China to become more accepting of homosexuality. Zhang Ziwei, a 27-year-old corporate secretary from Nanchang, southeast China’s Jiangxi Province, who dated a gay man three years ago, now manages a QQ chat group on the topic with more than one hundred members. She is translating two books—My Husband Is Gay and When Your Spouse Comes Out, written by Carol Grever, an American woman who married a gay man—into Chinese.

These women are becoming vocal activists to urge legalization of same-sex marriage.  Though their efforts have not yet come to fruition, it is gratifying to know that my books may be useful in their efforts.

Click the link below to read the whole Quartz article.   

http://qz.com/329575/chinas-homowives-are-becoming-unlikely-champions-for-gay-rights/

DECIDING A GREAT CIVIL RIGHTS QUESTION

January 19th, 2015 by Carol Grever

      

       The United States is approaching a definitive answer to what the New York Times calls “one of the great civil rights questions in a generation.” Our Supreme Court agreed to decide if gay marriage must be allowed in all 50 United States.  More than 70 percent of Americans already live in places where gay couples can marry.  Same-sex marriage is already legal in 36 states and the District of Columbia.  Now is the time for positive Supreme Court action.The high court will hear arguments, probably in late April of this year. 

          This news is a relevant topic for Straight Spouse Connection.  Many readers of this blog are middle-aged or older and have already been victimized by societal pressures requiring traditional marriage.  Their gay spouses felt compelled to marry to hide their sexual orientation.  Many languished in mixed-orientation relationships for decades before one spouse came out.  They are already casualties, their damage done.  Other younger gay people continue to marry straight partners because of religious beliefs, family, social or career pressures.  This news about a Supreme Court decision is germane in all these scenarios.

          Though they can’t change their past, many older straight spouses are “paying it forward.”  Perhaps their closeted anguish helped build the current momentum toward a definitive decision to honor the dignity of same-sex relationships—to prevent future grief of straight men and women unknowingly entering disastrous mixed marriages.

          The future looks brighter for those just entering marriage, gay or straight.  Legal recognition of same-sex marriage nation-wide would measurably alleviate gay people’s need to hide their sexual orientation through secrecy, deception, and double lives.  It would diminish the significant legal and emotional burdens caused by local discriminatory laws, freeing people to marry as they choose and enjoy legal protections they previously were denied.  Thus, legalizing same-sex marriage would mean fewer mismatched couples entering ill-fated gay-straight bonds, with the inevitable pain of discovery.

          Legalization of gay marriage in the United States would not be binding anywhere else in the world, but many other countries have preceded us in this decision.  Same-sex marriage is currently legal in 18 countries, the earliest acceptance by The Netherlands in 2000.  The most recent countries following suit are England, Wales, Brazil, France, New Zealand, and Uruguay in 2013, and Scotland and Luxembourg last year.  After years of political posturing and religious protestations, world opinion is leaning toward broader acceptance. 

          Surely our Supreme Court will see the need, heed the trend, and make a positive decision to sanction gay marriage.  If even one mixed-orientation couple can be saved from a doomed marriage, coerced by family, religious, social, or professional pressure, efforts to legalize same-sex marriage have not been wasted.

 

 

ELECTION BOOSTS MARRIAGE EQUALITY

November 10th, 2012 by Carol Grever

    Support for legally recognized same-sex marriage
in the U.S. got a big boost in the November 6th national election. Voters
in Maine, Maryland, and Washington exercised citizen power to legalize gay
marriage in their states. With these three, there are now nine states with
marriage equality, including Connecticut, Iowa, Massachusetts, New Hampshire,
Vermont, and New York, plus the District of Columbia. Passage of these ballot
referenda shows strengthening grass-roots support for legalized gay marriage,
in contrast to the past 20 years. Previously, 32 states put gay marriage to a vote and it was defeated
every single time.

    Minnesota showed another sign of positive change
in this election. It is the first state in which voters rejected a
constitutional amendment banning gay marriage, though such unions are still
illegal there. Previously, 30 other states have gone the other way and have constitutionalized
bans—a more challenging obstacle to equality. 

    As pointed out in my previous post, the shift of
public opinion demonstrated in this election is just one more baby-step toward
greater recognition and social acceptance of same-sex marriage and sexual
diversity generally.  Furthermore,
gay-bashing in political ads proved to be a failure. The momentum toward
tolerance shown in election results implies increasing acceptance of diverse
sexual identities.  U.S News and World
Report
online (Nov. 8, 2012) asserted that “Half of Americans believe their states
should recognize marriages of same-sex couples.”  The weight of public opinion may even encourage
the Supreme Court to examine and rule on the constitutionality of the U.S.
federal ban on gay marriage, DOMA—the Defense of Marriage Act. 

    While social change is excruciatingly slow, it is
encouraging that more people can now openly, legally marry the person they
love, whether opposite sex or same sex.  As
straight spouses, why should we care?  Just
this: These changing attitudes suggest that in the future there may be fewer married
heterosexuals blindsided by the discovery that their spouses are secretly gay.

    Though trends in this election may not directly help those straight spouses struggling through their crises today, the next generation
should see fewer doomed mixed-orientation marriages based on deception and
lies. May it be so!

 

 

 

 

 

LEGALIZE SAME-SEX MARRIAGE? A STRAIGHT SPOUSE PERSPECTIVE

October 16th, 2012 by Carol Grever

    I received an email this week from a woman whose
story gave me chills.  It was a close
parallel of my own experience in discovering my husband’s homosexuality:  Thirty years of marriage, grown children, a
secret bank account to assure his separate financial ease, withdrawal from sex
and affection, mysterious absences, and on and on.  It was like reading again the first chapter
of My Husband Is Gay!  And it was an emotional reminder that the
straight spouse saga continues for millions of people even now. 

     Why does this keep happening?  One obvious reason is remaining societal
pressure to hide homosexual orientation—to pretend to be straight and to carry
that pretense into marriage with an unsuspecting partner.  Until gays no longer fear “being found out,”
until their careers are no longer threatened, until their families  and churches accept them for who they really
are, mixed-orientation relationships will continue to be consummated—usually
headed toward heartbreak and dissolution. 
I have heard it countless times from married gays:  “I played the role as long as I could, as
long as I could stand to live that lie.” 
When that breaking point is reached, the marriage contract is breached,
and everyone involved suffers.

    If same-sex marriage were legalized and socially
accepted, there would be no need for anyone to hide his or her sexual
orientation and a possible end to the straight spouse calamity.  That’s why the Straight Spouse Network and
other peer support organizations urge legalization.  In the upcoming U.S. election, this debate has
utterly polarized the population.  Half a
dozen states and the District of Columbia have already legalized gay marriage,
giving a hint of hope for broader acceptance and change.  The fact that the issue is in the national
conversation at all is a sign of progress.

    Presidential candidates are on opposite poles
here.  Barack Obama supports legal
recognition of same-sex marriage, as decided by states.  Mitt Romney says it should be banned completely
with an amendment to the U.S. Constitution. 
In Maine, Maryland, and the state of Washington, voters will decide
whether to legalize gay marriage. Residents of four additional states will vote
this November on related questions.  But
strong resistance is still apparent: 
Minnesota voters will decide whether to ban gay marriage in their state constitution, as 30 other states
have already done.

    Growing acknowledgement that our sexual
orientation is not a “choice,” that it is inborn and irreversible, is a
positive sign.  But the ultimate goal of
tolerance and acceptance of all sexual identities is yet unattained; witness
the persistent advocacy of psychologically damaging “reparative” or “gay
conversion therapy.”  Overwhelming
societal prejudice continues to push gay people to marry heterosexual partners out
of fear and shame. 

    I believe that few gay people enter marriage with
the cynical intention of hurting their mates. 
In fact, I think that the opposite is true.  They may marry for love with a misguided wish
to change their orientation; they may want children of their own; they may be
supporting an ambitious career; they may have conservative religious prescriptions
or strong family pressures.  These and
other factors affect a gay person’s decision to marry a straight mate.  However, for all but a small fraction of
couples, none of these reasons will sustain the marriage over a lifetime.  Sooner or later, cracks appear in the
previously impervious intentions.  The
marriage fails.

    One phrase from last week’s email stays with
me:  “I feel like he died, the man that I
thought I married.”  This is the poignant
result of decades of lies.  While every
straight spouse message I receive is different in details, all are the same in
one respect.  These mixed relationships
are built upon a basic untruth, a denial of one partner’s sexual reality.  When that denial crumbles, the world falls apart
for the straight spouse. My response to that distraught woman was
familiar:  “This is not your fault and
you are not responsible for what he has done. 
You are also not alone!  We are
like millions of others whose trust has been broken by a gay mate.” 

    Though it’s hard to find a bright spot in the
midst of such crisis, experience proves that survival and a happier future are
possible.  Society is slowly progressing
toward more enlightened acceptance and straight spouses do have increased
resources for recovery through the Internet and a widening range of therapeutic
tools.  Even in the darkness of despair, one
can still see the stars.

 

A STRAIGHT SPOUSE VICTORY

August 12th, 2010 by Carol Grever

Straight
spouses and related support organizations are celebrating the August 4, 2010
decision by a California District Court to overturn the infamous Proposition 8,
which denied the right to marry to same-sex couples in that state and enshrined
discrimination in that state’s constitution.

Why is this federal court decision
a win for straight spouses as well?  Why
has Prop 8 caused such a firestorm in the Straight Spouse Network and other
such organizations?  If gay men and
lesbians have the right to marry partners of the same sex, without prejudicial
judgment by others, there will be fewer mixed-orientation marriages.  Legalized gay marriage will help to prevent the
kind of deception and secrecy that cause mixed marriages to dissolve in
personal tragedy.

Following the historic decision in
the case of Perry v. Schwarzenegger,
U.S. District Judge Vaughan Walker concluded that Prop 8 violates the
United
States’ Constitutional rights of equal
protection and due process.  He stated,
“Proposition 8 fails to advance any rational basis in singling out gay men and
lesbians for denial of a marriage license.” 

Jody  M. Huckaby, executive director of PFLAG
National summarized, “Equality for one means equality for all.”  While this case applies only to
California,
it is one more victory in favor of human rights for all.  It framed gay marriage as a civil right, not
a moral or religious issue.

Simply stated, when gay people are
not forced by society into closets of secrecy, when they are not bound by
religious, family, and social pressure to marry a partner of the opposite sex,
then mixed-orientation marriages should be less frequent.  Heterosexual spouses of gays will no longer suffer
the chaos and heartache we all know so well. 

Seven other countries have already
sanctioned gay marriage.  The
United
States is lagging behind by harboring
institutionalized bias.  Gay people are
still the only minority in the
U.S.
who suffer legalized discrimination because laws in most states have not
evolved to protect them.  While the issue
of gay marriage will undoubtedly end up in the U.S. Supreme Court, the recent victory
over Prop 8 in
California is one more
step toward gaining fundamental legal protection from discrimination.  This is cause for celebration.

It is no surprise that straight
spouses all over this country are elated to see a symbolic barrier
eliminated.  The institution of marriage has
already changed dramatically, though slowly, and the fall of Prop 8 represents
progress toward the elimination of the straight spouse disaster.  May legalized prejudice end!  May all men and women marry the partner of
their choice, with equal rights for all. 
This is our birthright as citizens of the United States of America.