Posts Tagged ‘mixed-orientation’

“HOMOWIVES” IN CHINA FIND VOICE

March 6th, 2015 by Carol Grever

 

Most straight spouses feel unique in their mixed-orientation dilemma, though these mismatched couples can be found everywhere in the world.  During two decades of writing about these relationships, I have received related contacts from Canada, Mexico, El Salvador, Thailand, Australia, England, South Africa, in addition to my home country of the United States.  It’s clear that these challenging marriages are a world-wide phenomenon. 

An online article in Quartz by Zheping Huang gave startling statistics about female straight spouses in China.  Until recently, such marriages were not publicly acknowledged, though scholarly estimates number them in the millions.  Zhang Beichuan, a scholar in the field, estimates that China has twenty million male homosexuals and 80% of them will marry a woman.  Eighty percent!  Social and cultural pressure to do so is pervasive. This contrasts strikingly with the estimated 15-20% of American gays who marry. 

Young men in China, gay or straight, are pressured to marry in order to father an heir.  Divorce is out of the question, and the wives are trapped. Female straight spouses in China are dubbed "homowives," short for wives of homosexuals.  The Quartz article focuses on these women’s extreme predicament and their mounting support for gay marriage. Their goal is to remove some of the social pressure for gay men to marry women and to legalize same-sex marriage.  Quoting the article:

“Homowives” and their supporters are getting more vocal about their own situations, and the need for China to become more accepting of homosexuality. Zhang Ziwei, a 27-year-old corporate secretary from Nanchang, southeast China’s Jiangxi Province, who dated a gay man three years ago, now manages a QQ chat group on the topic with more than one hundred members. She is translating two books—My Husband Is Gay and When Your Spouse Comes Out, written by Carol Grever, an American woman who married a gay man—into Chinese.

These women are becoming vocal activists to urge legalization of same-sex marriage.  Though their efforts have not yet come to fruition, it is gratifying to know that my books may be useful in their efforts.

Click the link below to read the whole Quartz article.   

http://qz.com/329575/chinas-homowives-are-becoming-unlikely-champions-for-gay-rights/

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THE OTHER SIDE OF THE STORY

August 29th, 2014 by Carol Grever

 

Straight Spouse Connection was begun in 2008 to explore topics relevant to mixed-orientation families, particularly to the heterosexual partner in these relationships.  Most articles were intended to connect straight spouses with each other in a meaningful, positive way, to inform and comfort them, and to encourage their recovery after discovery of their spouse’s sexual secrets.  Given that core purpose, the complicated journeys of their gay mates were not emphasized—until now.

An exciting new book is just out that effectively addresses the question, “Why do gay and bisexual men marry women?  The Marrying Kind? by Charles Neal, a prominent British psychotherapist, gives brilliant insight into the needs, motivations, ramifications, and outcomes of these men.  Though it is aimed primarily at a gay male audience, it is an important contribution to the  literature for therapists, counselors, trainers, and especially for affected family members—wives, children and parents of these married gay men. 

Certified by the United Kingdom Council for Psychotherapy (UKCP), Neal has forty years’ experience in counseling. Among other accomplishments, he is founder and chair of the UK Association for Lesbian, Gay and Bisexual Psychologies and has taught and written on related topics. His own story in the final chapter adds credibility, written in the same format as the preceding chapters.  He is “a gay parent, a survivor of alcoholic parenting, abuse and bullying, and serious illness.”  He first married a woman, fathering two sons, and has now been married for more than three decades to his gay husband. 

The book relates experiences of ten gay and bi men, ending with the author’s own story.  In excruciating detail, they reveal their internalized oppression, fearfulness, insecurity, and shame that informed their decisions.  The need to belong and connect with community drove many.  Family or career pressure factored in.  Some hoped that marriage to a woman might change their homosexual desires, or at least “cover” them.  Some simply sought a stable domestic life, or longed to father children. 

Religious pressure was also a factor for many, especially those with fundamental Christian, Muslim, Hindu, Jewish, or Catholic beliefs.  Feeling unsupported or even persecuted by their religious communities, they chose conventional marriage as an escape.  With the authority of a counseling psychologist, the author adds his voice to other experts who discredit so-called “reparative therapy” to “convert” gays to straights.  Rather, sexuality is presented in all its nuances, as a process and a continuum that includes bisexuality, androgyny, blurred gender and other variations.  Simplistic solutions are neither applicable nor useful. 

Interestingly, the subjects interviewed for this book all came out in their thirties to fifties, after their children neared adulthood. This pattern has been observed in the United States as well. At mid-life, authenticity becomes more important.  Like their heartbroken wives, these men’s intimate personal stories reveal untold pain. 

Learning more about the other side of the story can be beneficial for recovering straight spouses.  The more we know, the better we can understand and move toward a favorable outcome and the final stage of recovery--empathy and forgiveness.

This is a book worth reading for any person whose family has been tested by a mixed-orientation marriage.  It is well written and reveals real people's experience.  The extensive bibliography and list of resources make the book even more useful.  I highly recommend it.         

                                                                        Carol

For more information, contact charles@charles-neal.com.

 

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SAVING WHAT MATTERS

July 31st, 2014 by Carol Grever

 

If you searched out Straight Spouse Connection, you are probably in the grip of grief.  Loss drives straight spouses to come here seeking information, comfort, and connection.  The articles here emphasize assurance that pain passes and a calmer, happier future is possible.  In many cases, the mixed-orientation crisis opens a door to something even better.

I found echoes of that inspiring truth in one of my favorite blogs, Andi O’Conor’s Burning Down the House:  Essays on the Poetry of Loss.   Andi’s family home burned when she was twelve, her parents and siblings barely escaping by jumping out second-story windows.  Again, as an adult, fire destroyed the home she’d built for herself in Four Mile Canyon near Boulder, Colorado.  Andi writes of these ironic, devastating losses in a wise, constructive way. 

Her latest post also has a link to her TED talk titled “A Pretty Good Deal.”  In this moving video, she gives convincing evidence that “losing everything can restore your faith in humanity.”

I highly recommend that you visit and browse Andi’s posts to learn how she overcame loss and grief and rebuilt a more rewarding life and career.  Her story is full of hope and it’s totally relevant to the straight spouse experience.  Above all, take ten minutes to watch her TED Talk. 

http://www.burningdownthehouseblog.com/a-pretty-good-deal

Like Andi, people in mixed orientation relationships may be living in a "house with walls that need to come down."  I’ve tested and witnessed that concept personally and found it sound.  Every seeming disaster in my past has somehow opened my heart and mind to something better.  That message is so beautifully stated in Andi's blog and her video.  I'm a grateful fan and I think you will be as well.

                                                                 Carol

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STRAIGHT GUY, LESBIAN WIFE: ONE MAN’S STRUGGLE

June 23rd, 2014 by Carol Grever

 

“Why I Care” was the very first article on Straight Spouse Connection, posted on May 19, 2008.  It launched this blog with an outline of my own experience as a straight spouse.  The site’s purpose?  “To explore topics relevant to mixed orientation families and particularly to other straight spouses.” 

Through the ensuing six years, most regular readers have been heterosexual women whose mates were gay.  The articles and reader comments were from the straight female partner’s point of view.  Recently, that trend has shifted a bit.  More stories and questions are surfacing from straight men with lesbian wives.

One such reader, who identifies himself as “Brassyhub,” agreed to write a guest post to describe his efforts to keep his mixed-orientation marriage together.  Here is his story.

 

As good as it gets?

Perhaps this is as good as it gets. After all, what is a successful mixed- orientation marriage?  Next month we will come to the first anniversary of my wife’s coming out as a lesbian.  And we’re still together, still exclusive and faithful to each other, and intending to continue that way.

What a year of trauma it has been, mostly for me, but some for her too.  The “D” word has been spoken, divorce.  We’ve looked at all the other options:  an open marriage, one side or both.  Perhaps we’re going for the hardest option, or perhaps it’s the easiest, the one involving the least change.  We both felt too old to start new lives.  After all, there’s no guarantee of finding a better, more compatible partner even if we separate.  We’ve invested a lot, most of our lives, in THIS relationship.  And there’s a lot of good in it.  We like each other; we talk together; we do things together (and apart).  But we’ve never had much of a sex life, and now we have none.

We’ve agreed on a weekly cuddle, on a fixed time and day, and being the eternal optimist that I am, I can’t help hoping that this may become a little more.  But I think that for now, my wife simply isn’t able to give any more.  Her 30-year struggle against her lesbian nature and attractions left her asexual. So there’s very little intimacy that for me is such an important part of a marriage--the total giving and opening up, the vulnerability, the no hold-back, the closeness, the desire for the beloved other.  We’re both mourning this sexual component of a loving relationship that we’ve never known and will never know if we stay together as we plan. 

However, there’s a very deep connection all the same.  She trusted me, she shared with me her deepest struggle, her darkest secret.  We are friends and perhaps even lovers, but without the sex.  Can this be enough for me?  For her? We’ll see.  But it’s already a lot.  I have to learn to live in the present, with what I have, rather than dreaming of some future and improbable miraculous change.  This can be a good day, with lots of good things in it, even without sex.

Perhaps this is as good as it gets, and this is success, not the miracle that I have searched for on the web, trying to apply someone else’s experience to our situation, our relationship.  I wanted some magical way of arousing a lesbian who has no desire for me at all, but who has a lot of tenderness and affection all the same.  There are no secrets, and there is trust. That’s a pretty rare and precious gift too.

There are no guarantees for the future--but that’s true of every marriage.  Ours is just lived with a far greater realism about the fragility of all relationships.                                           Brassyhub

 

Brassyhub’s account raises several questions that each couple trying to remain together might ponder.  Among them:  What are their realistic options?  How strong is their mutual connection?  What are the felt needs of each partner?  Which of these needs are absolute, without which they must separate?   How much change can each tolerate?  What is each willing to give up in staying together?  Perhaps most important, do they still love and trust each other, even after their secrets are revealed?

Brassyhub’s clarity in assessing his unusual situation is laudable. As he realistically points out, there is no guarantee of permanence in any relationship.  His intention to stay in the present is good advice for us all. 

Comments are welcome, particularly from other men in similar situations. What is your experience as a male straight spouse?  How did you address your situation?  Do you have advice for Brassyhub?

 

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ENCOURAGEMENT MY MISSION

July 17th, 2012 by Carol Grever

“I was numb and reeling upon my discovery that my husband of 30 years is gay.  I have three children with him . . .”

“My wife is in love with another woman . . .”

“I ‘outed’ my husband last month, after I discovered a string of emails he had written in response to several gay personal ads. . .”

Every week there are emails like this in my inbox, yesterday one from a woman in South Africa.  Responding to each one, I understand that I’ve been on a mission for more than a decade, ever since my first book was published, to deliver a simple message:  You are not alone and you can overcome this seeming disaster.  Because the Internet provides opportunity to connect worldwide in personal ways, this work remains viable.

My own husband acknowledged that he had “homosexual tendencies” after we had been married for many years.  As his story unfolded, I learned that he had acted on those “tendencies” during most of our marriage.  He left no clues and I suspected nothing, though I had been at risk from his behavior for decades.  I spent months feeling somehow responsible for my husband’s homosexuality.  I felt deficient as a wife, as a woman, and my self-esteem plummeted.  Moreover, I felt really stupid, not to have “gotten it” sooner.  Hoping to salvage our marriage, I shared his closet of secrecy for much too long. 

If I had known then what I know now, I would have realized that he had always been homosexual and that his sexual orientation had nothing to do with me at all.  I wasn’t blind or stupid; I was deceived by his facile lies and hidden truth.  If I had been more knowledgeable at the time, I wouldn’t have blamed myself, nor would I have tried to save my marriage.  Instead, I would have put all that energy into building a new identity and future. 

It was this personal history that launched my writing and informal counseling vocation.  As I struggled through my own confusion, anger, depression, grief, and all the other stages of coping, I kept a journal of my feelings and experiences.  The journal informed my first book, My Husband Is Gay.  The singular purpose of all my books, documentary DVD, Website and blog is to help straight spouses reconfigure their lives in a positive, healthy way and to realize that this one life event need not destroy their future happiness.      

Looking back, I honestly have no regrets.  The entire experience supplied the healing lessons in my books and gave these subsequent years constructive direction and purpose.  My former husband and I are both happier now, both remarried to wonderful men, and both free to be completely authentic.  If my life had not taken this unexpected turn, I would probably not have pursued my life-long dream of being a writer. 

If I have one message to shout to the world, it is this.  Living a lie is hell.  Hiding one’s true identity is a recipe for disaster for all involved, and the longer it takes for the truth to come out, the worse the outcome. 

Sam, a gay man who appears in my documentary, One Gay, One Straight: Complicated Marriages, stressed the imperative for honesty.  He had told his wife that he didn’t love her anymore because he couldn’t make himself say, “I’m gay.”  This lie was more devastating to her than the facts.  When he finally came out to his wife and their son, the fifteen-year-old replied, "It's OK, Dad, I still love you."  Sam concluded that to be open and honest is better for everyone.  I agree. 

Every straight spouse feels unique, but there are millions of us in the world.  Fortunately, there is help at hand on the Internet and in well-researched books and videos.  Though it may feel as if you’re the only person who has ever suffered in this way, remember that others have survived the crisis to eventually thrive in unexpected ways.  My mission to help straight spouses reclaim their self-esteem continues.

 

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THE ART OF LETTING GO

October 6th, 2011 by Carol Grever

Cheryl was married to Joe for 15 years when she stumbled onto evidence of  homosexual liaisons on their home computer.  Stunned, she couldn’t believe that he had been arranging meetings with various men for months, but a deeper look at his emails and internet history made it undeniable. 

Cheryl confronted Joe directly and he seemed almost relieved to admit his secret activities that had gone on for more than four years.  His clandestine meetings with other gay men had gone beyond superficial sex and he was deeply involved with another man.  For weeks Joe had wrestled with plans to come out to his wife and say that he wanted to leave her.  Clues he’d left on the computer were not entirely accidental.

The two subsequently separated.  During the following months Cheryl tried to reconcile herself to her new single life, alone in an apartment, trying to pick up the pieces of her shattered confidence.  She couldn’t help wondering what Joe was doing, how he and his new boyfriend were getting on.  She couldn’t forget happy times she and Joe had shared, though she tried to stop remembering.  She knew they couldn't recover their marriage, which was irretrievably broken, but she and Joe had a long history together and she still felt tied to him. 

Cheryl’s challenge was to make a clean break -- first to grasp the fact that her marriage was over, and then to distance herself enough to recover.

Stories like these are common.  It seems particularly difficult for women to let go of their emotional ties after a separation.  What does it mean “to let go” anyway?  When a gay-straight relationship ends, the best definitions of this stage of recovery come from straight spouses themselves.  Here are some suggestions from the Straight Spouse Network, gathered from people who have moved through their conflict.

Letting Go

  • To let go doesn't mean to stop caring.  It means I can't do it for someone else.
  • To let go is not to cut myself off.  It's the realization that I don't control another.
  • To let go is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.
  • To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.
  • To let go is not to try to change or blame another.  I can only change myself.
  • To let go is not to care for, but to care about.
  • To let go is not to fix, but to be supportive.
  • To let go is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.
  • To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their own outcomes.
  • To let go is not to be protective.  It is to permit another to face reality.
  • To let go is not to deny, but to accept.
  • To let go is not to nag, scold or argue, but to search out my own shortcomings and to correct them.
  • To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires, but to take each day as it  comes and to cherish the moment.
  • To let go is not to criticize and regulate anyone, but to try to become what I dream I can be.
  • To let go is not to regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.
  • To let go is to fear less and love more.

How these definitions might apply to a particular situation depends upon the individuals’ interpretation, but the principles are sound.  These definitions point to one conclusion:  The only factor we can control is our own mind.  Change your mind and you change your life.

Cheryl managed to pick herself up by starting with small adjustments in her daily routines.  She painted the walls of her new apartment her favorite color, light sage green.  Living in a different neighborhood, she shopped at a new grocery and found a choice coffee shop in easy walking distance.  She joined a fitness class and got acquainted with a whole new group.  She stopped talking about Joe to her old friends and made a conscious effort to live in the present moment, not looking back.  She even adopted a fresh hairstyle and a more casual, comfortable way to dress.  In short, Cheryl recreated herself and reconfigured her life as a single woman.  She is moving on!

Singer Lena Horne famously said, “It’s not the load that breaks you down.  It’s how you carry it.”  That concept applies perfectly to Cheryl and other straight spouses who have conquered their grief and fears to thrive in a new way.  Letting go is the first step.

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ADDICTIONS COMPLICATE STRAIGHT SPOUSE DILEMMA

April 23rd, 2011 by Carol Grever

The complexities of a mixed-orientation marriage increase exponentially when one or both partners suffer addictions.  A recent email from a straight spouse highlighted this multi-layered affliction.  Here is an excerpt from her message.

My husband and I met over 13 years ago. . . . Twelve years later he came out to me and to many acquaintances.  At first I did not see how it could change what we had.  Now that he has been out for a few months, I am having difficulty coping with my feelings.  We still love each other, but I have lost my trust in him . . . .  I feel all alone.  We both suffer from alcoholism and drug addiction.  We have over six months of recovery and are active members of AA.  That is why this all came up.  My husband was working on clearing the wreckage of his past, and his true self came to the surface. 

Addictions themselves add enormous difficulty to the problems of a coming-out event.  Two major life changes are happening at once—getting sober and revealing one’s true sexual identity.  The entire family is affected by both challenges.  While the12-Step program of Alcoholics Anonymous has effectively helped millions recover from dependence on alcohol and drugs, working through the steps transforms people in fundamental ways.  They set out to conquer their addiction, but in the process they alter their ideals, standards, and daily life.  An elemental shift is happening, whether it is the gay or the straight partner engaged in the AA program. 

These psychic alterations further complicate their marital dilemma.  For example, AA’s Step 4 requires a deep and fearless moral inventory of character defects and wrongs done.  Step 5 demands openly admitting those wrongs to a neutral party.  Steps 8 and 9 require making amends to anyone harmed by earlier actions.  People spend months or years occupied with these steps toward sober living. 

The drama is even more complicated when both partners are in AA.  If they both fully participate in the 12-Step program, each understands the transformational process.  But if only one partner experiences this psychic shift, the mate’s alienation increases.  The chasm widens and the probability of saving their marriage diminishes even further.  Still, the indisputable benefits of overcoming a drug and/or alcohol addiction make recovery efforts intrinsically worthwhile. 

Perceived dangers to a rocky mixed-orientation marriage should not deter an alcoholic from joining AA.  Day by day, recovering addicts and alcoholics reconfigure their very lives.  Sincere adherence to AA’s 12 Steps can lead to freedom from addiction, while simultaneously mapping a very different life path.  The work involves total honesty around self-centeredness, resentments, fear, and sexual behavior.  A spiritual awakening often occurs as a person’s “Higher Power” is identified.  Viewpoint, values, and lifestyle all drastically change.  Lies and secrecy are no longer tolerated.  Minds are clear, not muddled by chemicals.  Ongoing personal assessments fuel even more change. 

At best, compassion, forgiveness, gratitude, and humanitarian service are evidence of the personal growth encouraged by AA.  The downside is that the partners may grow in different directions and recovery from addiction becomes another catalyst to separate.  However, statistically, these gay-straight relationships have less than a 15% chance of survival under any circumstances, even if addiction is not present.  The most positive conclusion, of course, is to have both partners living the life they choose, clean and sober, productive and proud, whether gay or straight, single or together.   

 

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HEALING GRIEF: MARKERS OF PROGRESS

July 7th, 2010 by Carol Grever

    “Stages of Recovery,” dated May, 2008, is the most
frequently visited page on this blog.  Visitors
to this site look for reassurance that their current misery will eventually
heal.  Like other straight spouses before
them, they seek to understand recognizable steps toward their own
recovery. 

    After the early stages of shock, confusion, denial and
self-blame, straight spouses face the realities of a mixed-orientation
relationship and its rush of tough decisions. 
This awareness leads to anger and despair, along with profound
grief.  We mourn the loss of security,
trust, and expectations of a predictable future. 
We are set adrift in a sea of uncertainty and we grieve our loss as we
grief a death.  Indeed, it is the death of
the future we’d planned. 

    This “dark hole” of rage and grief may last for months or
even years.  But for most, often aided by
competent counseling, deeper healing begins. 
How do we know when this turning point has come?  What hopeful signs can we see?  Centura Health offered a useful list of these signs in their
September, 2007 issue of Seasons of
Grief.” A summary of the article is
relevant to straight spouse recovery and offers markers of progress.

  • You
    look outside yourself with enough energy to reach out to others while
    coping with your own grief.
  • You
    can express and live with your emotions, as they lessen in intensity over
    time.
  • Episodes
    of emotional turmoil abate.
  • Sadness
    is often present, but does not deepen into depression.
  • You
    open to social contacts and resume traditional ways of being in the world.
  • You
    let go of guilt and blame, realizing that you did your best.
  • You
    have glimpses of meaning in life, moments of hope and joy.
  • You
    begin to plan for the future.

    As grief subsides, most straight spouses reinforce their own
inner resources, looking forward to new interests and new friends.  For some, forgiveness is possible as wounds
heal.  This is a new beginning.  When we see every experience as a teacher,
every stage of recovery as fuel for waking up, we are well on our way to wholeness
and a happier phase of life.

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FIND THE BEST: NINE QUALITIES OF EFFECTIVE COUNSELORS

October 29th, 2009 by Carol Grever

When my husband came out several years ago, I experienced
all the stages of crisis and coping that I’ve written about in my books and
articles.  I know what you’re going
through!  One theme recurs in my attempts
to help straight spouses recover.  It is the
importance of seeking effective guidance from a professional, competent
counselor. 

Talking through your challenges and inevitable pain is
immensely useful in regaining equilibrium and healing emotional wounds after
your spouse comes out.  Mixed-orientation
families get lost in an emotional storm, in danger of capsizing.  A good navigator can help guide you through
these treacherous seas.

Whether you decide to work with a clinical psychologist, licensed
social worker, or pastor, it’s important to choose a person who is
professionally competent, credentialed, and compatible with your personality
and needs.  It also saves time if your
counselor has experience with the problem you face, specifically the challenges
of mixed-orientation families. Choose wisely!

    What should you look for when selecting a therapist?  Gathered from extensive interviews with
people who have experienced counseling, here are nine qualities shared by the
best professionals.  Consider their
advice when engaging a suitable counselor to steer you from crisis to calm.

1.     Flexible.  Rather than applying a single, rigid formula
or pushing “right answers,” the counselor first listens deeply to assess
individual symptoms and needs.  There is
no one-size-fits-all attitude.  Good
therapists offer a whole tool kit of techniques and approaches to create balanced
guidance.  

2.     Unbiased.  Effective therapists do not bring prejudice
into their work.  They feel no intolerance
toward homosexuality and they do not encourage gay-bashing in conversations
with family members.  They maintain an
open, unbiased mind. 

3.     Takes a broad view.  Though
the focus is your straight spouse crisis, a good counselor brings up related practical
issues like your safety, housing, and health care.  Children’s needs are considered in light of your
new reality.  What pressures are evident
from religion, extended family, your social network?  Are there serious underlying personal issues
that need attention, like fear, guilt, shame or anger?  All of this is examined.

4.     Explores other resources.  An
effective therapist calls attention to sources of help already at hand.  How can you use available resources to best
advantage?   Whom can you trust and talk
with in your family, your circle of friends? 
Finding a confidant or keeping a journal as you work through decisions can
be extremely useful as you chart a new course. 
How can you help yourself, be proactive?

5.     Caring and trustworthy.  Effective counselors demonstrate empathy,
patience, and genuine concern for clients. 
Listening carefully and without judgment, they remember what you’ve told
them in previous conversations and put it into context.  They offer you a safe space to say what you
haven’t said or couldn’t say before—and they help you make sense of it all. Trust
grows from this fertile ground.

6.     Qualified and experienced.  Your
best therapist will be professionally educated and experienced with similar
cases, therefore knowledgeable of typical patterns.  Such counselors help clients process each
stage of straight spouse recovery and they know when to back off and when to nudge
clients onward.

7.     Realistic.  It will take time to
achieve complete personal stability and healing.  Don’t expect immediate miracles or a magic
pill to bring instant results.  Look for
a therapist who is judicious in recommending medication that simply dulls
emotional pain.  Be wary of one who
rushes to a pre-conceived solution.  A
hard look at your own role in creating ongoing emotional pain may be part of
the eventual resolution.  You should be
aware that even after successful therapy, it is normal for grief or anger to be
triggered occasionally--even years afterward. 
That is to be expected.

8.    Encourages wellness.  Each
session ends with genuine encouragement and hope.  Good counselors know their clients are
fragile and they bolster them with comforting assurance.  Believing that you’ll survive and thrive has
a positive influence on outcome.  “I’m
going to be okay” is a powerful mantra, crucial to eventual recovery.

9.  Celebrates healing.  Ethical therapists work themselves out of the job, urging clients in positive ways to get past their obstacles and to move on to greater Happiness.  The most trusted and successful counselors celebrate their own success and that of their clients.

    No one has a perfect life; everyone has some burden to
bear.  One of the great gifts of working
with competent counselors is their assurance that you are not alone and that your emotional challenge is not unique.  Just knowing that others have felt the same
way brings comfort.  It is also reassuring
to learn that others have survived the straight spouse crisis and have moved
through it to greater serenity. 

    Whether you choose to work with a professional counselor or
therapist is up to you.  But people who
make that decision discover valuable tools and guidance to nourish and
integrate body, mind, and spirit and to regain contentment. 

 

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