Archive for the ‘Other Resources’ Category

« Older Entries

WATCHING OUR LANGUAGE

March 15th, 2017 by Carol Grever

When I wrote a publicity description for One Gay, One Straight: Complicated Marriages, my documentary showing straight spouses telling their own stories, I inadvertently included a phrase that some found offensive.  I called the DVD "The first documentary revealing the pain and confusion of marriages mired in the secrecy of a homosexual closet."  At the first screening, one psychologist in the audience took issue with that use of homosexual.  While I had used that term only to include both gay men and lesbians in mixed-orientation marriages, she pointed out that my usage was dated and offensive. She asserted that Homosexual now is relegated to medical contexts.

Language is a living thing, changing constantly, and connotations around socially sensitive subjects are especially ephemeral.  That's why I was relieved to discover on the Internet a current stylebook on LGBT terminology by the National Lesbian and Gay Journalists Association, a Washington based writers' organization.  It clarified the woman's criticism of my documentary publicity piece and revealed other fine and useful nuances.

The stylebook's clear definitions would be useful to anyone interested in this subject.  For example, I learned that the term transvestite, one who wears clothing associated with the opposite sex, is currently considered "crude and old-fashioned."  The preferred term today is cross-dresser and is differentiated from transgender.  A clear distinction was also made among civil union, commitment ceremony, domestic partnership, and same-sex marriage.  The decades-old designation GLBT (acronym for Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and Transgender) was supplanted by LGBT.  Ladies first?  Additional letters are also used: LGBTQ, the Q for Queer or Questioning. The use of “queer” is now often used with pride, rather than as an insult. Terminology changes rapidly, following societal shifts.

I believe that these shifting linguistic distinctions are important to more than writers and speakers in this field.  If we hope to reach across the divides that exist between LGBT and straight, we need to be informed about these sensitivities.  Words wound and cause more distance between social factions when they are used with ignorance or malice.  Mutual acceptance begins with clear communication, unencumbered by negative connotation.

I recommend the NLGJA's excellent stylebook, not only for political correctness, but for the larger goal of mutual understanding.  Visit <http://www.nlgja.org/resources/stylebook_english.html> to learn more.

Posted in Books, Common Complexities, Other Resources | 1 Comment »

STANDING UP TO ADDICTIONS

July 27th, 2015 by Carol Grever

 

When the obstacles of a mixed orientation relationship are complicated by addictions, challenges multiply.  Whether the addiction is to drugs or alcohol or some other debilitating habit—pornography or gambling perhaps—layers of complexity make the family’s burden even harder to bear.  Addiction kills relationships.  Without outside help, liberation is nearly out of reach.

To address this issue, I sought advice from a close friend who nearly lost his life to his own addiction.  He is now actively engaged in Alcoholics Anonymous and has been free of substance abuse for fourteen years.  He mentors others in the 12-step program and offered the following approach to recovery. 

Concentrate on working the steps with a trusted, seasoned sponsor within a peer group, such as AA or Al-Anon.  As AA’s Big Book emphasizes, staying sober requires a “psychic change” that entails spiritual undergirding.  The spiritual quest begins with identifying your own “higher power.” Individual concepts of this power vary greatly.  If you are connected with a particular religion, that is an obvious approach.  If you have no religious affiliation, you might seek support in one of many perennial wisdom traditions of east or west.  These offer truths that have lasted through the ages.  Read widely and experiment to meet your unique needs.

There is no single “right path,” but identifying a power beyond yourself fosters courage to fight addiction, as well as straight spouse challenges.  For many, the well-known Serenity Prayer is helpful in times of discouragement.  Written by theologian Reinhold Niebuhr, it offers valuable aspiration:

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

courage to change the things I can,

and wisdom to know the difference.

Most spiritual traditions emphasize kindness toward others as a basic value.  That principle is included in AA's work through personal assessments, unloading resentments, and making amends for previous harm done to others.  Perennial wisdom traditions also teach compassion, gratitude, forgiveness, helpfulness, and right-sizing the ego. These values appear in some form in most world wisdom teachings, though AA has codified them specifically to address addiction.  In addition, the organization also reminds participants not to be a doormat for the world's judgments.  Treat yourself kindly as well. 

At every meeting, AA testifies to the fact that addiction kills.  To support recovery, establish some personal goals with a reasonable time frame. Overnight cures are unrealistic.  Progress is always “one day at a time” for sobriety and for advancement of personal psychic change.

This tested advice applies to both addiction and to straight spouse recovery.  My friend’s counsel, summarized here, is based on his long involvement with AA and the witness of his own recovery into a clean, sober, and happily married state.  His life was saved and renewed through that organization.  If AA is not available to you or does not fit your needs, alternative resources can be identified online. 

During any kind of recovery, it is also important to have a trusted person to confide in--a relative, friend, pastor, or qualified counselor.  Talk your situation through.  Peer groups are invaluable.  Find a network of people who are also faced with your specific problems, and contact them in person or online.  Today, the internet is the first and most accessible way to locate such allies.  Above all, know that you are not alone, that others have faced and overcome these ordeals.  It is possible to recover and thrive!

These suggestions from my friend have been proven effective for decades by Alcoholics Anonymous. My personal advice for straight spouses and also those suffering addictions is to take care of your mind, body, and spirit in the best ways you know. Don’t sacrifice yourself to any toxic situation.  Listen to your innermost feelings and consider your best options, then go forward with resolve.

 

Related articles
Virtual Support Effective

Tags: , , ,
Posted in Current Affairs, Other Resources, Recovery Tips | No Comments »

VIRTUAL SUPPORT EFFECTIVE

May 6th, 2015 by Carol Grever

 

I was recently invited to participate in a private Facebook group for straight spouses in Australia.  Since I live in the United States and most of my contacts are in this country, it has been interesting to read accounts from “down under” of people dealing with mixed orientation relationships.  Most of the FB participants are women in the early stages of recovery after their husbands have come out. 

Many are mothers with children still at home, others are middle-aged or older.  They share day-to-day disappointments and progress, as well as moments of despair or hope—the mixed bag of emotions familiar to all straight spouses, no matter where they live.  They ask and answer questions about depression, anger, spousal abuse or subterfuge, finances, health concerns, how to help their children understand, and on and on.  They live in different cities, but they support each other effectively via their Internet friendships.

The similarity of their experience to that of Americans is real and not surprising.  In matters of love and betrayal, we are much alike.  I expected that parallel, but the Aussies’ raw openness is different.  They share daily detailed accounts of emotional wounds with utter candor, with no hesitation or embarrassment.  They share deeply and don’t mince words.  They celebrate small wins--“I got a new haircut, shorter than my husband liked.”  They also reveal rage and despair—“This is not worth the effort.” 

Through the years, straight spouses from three continents have contacted me, seeking reassurance and guidance as they regain their balance and sense of self.  Regardless of their religion, culture, native language, or home country, there is a recognizable pattern in their experience.  With some individual variation, they move through the phases of recovery described in an earlier post on this Website (“Stages of Recovery,” May 28, 2008).  After the initial shock of disclosure, they may have an odd sense of relief (Whew!  It wasn’t me!), followed by a mixture of denial and confusion that may include elements of self-blame, as well as sympathy for the gay partner’s pain.  After facing their new reality, the next stage is fraught with danger:  Anger or rage, grief, and despair.  In extreme cases, violence or self-harm occur.  Some spouses give up completely; a few succumb to addictions or choose suicide.  These typical reactions have occurred over and over, colored by the particular culture of the country.

Hope is not lost, however.  Though the painful earlier stages are all part of the process of recovery, occurring and recurring in a maddening cycle, they are not interminable.  A trigger event usually creates a turning point that leads to acceptance of what cannot be changed.  Recognition of their new reality opens the ground for eventual forgiveness and discovery of new meaning beyond one’s small self. 

None of this process is guaranteed, nor is it a mechanical evolution with certain closure.  In order to move through it successfully, support from knowledgeable, understanding peers is almost essential   I cannot imagine surviving my own transition into independence and a rewarding new career without the early encouragement of a straight spouse peer group.  In face-to-face meetings, I found comfort and reassurance that I was not alone.  I discovered that straight spouses are legion.  We exist in every country and somehow find individual pathways toward healing. 

Now that the Internet is pervasive, our virtual contact through social media seems to work as well.  The Australian Facebook community for straight spouses is one excellent example.  This is therefore an enthusiastic endorsement of peer support and the power of our own words to heal ourselves and each other.  Keep talking, people!  You can get through this!

 

 

Tags: , , , ,
Posted in Current Affairs, My Mission, Other Resources, Recovery Tips | 6 Comments »

LESSONS FROM THE RIVER

April 4th, 2015 by Carol Grever

 

For many years, I have enjoyed whitewater canoe trips with women friends on the wild rivers of Colorado, Wyoming, and Utah in the U.S.  Being philosophical types, we named our outings “Journey to the Source,” using the river as a metaphor for life.  On these trips, we take time to contemplate the meaning of pivotal events and to rest from the incessant rush of ordinary experience. 

Water is a familiar symbol in this way--the “womb of the ocean,” the “stream of life” and so on.  We are urged to “go with the flow.” Though these phrases have become trite, like most clichés, they are based in a deeper truth which has become popularly recognized. 

My friends and I have learned a great deal from the river.  The first is to work with it, never against it.  Paddling upstream is extremely difficult, indeed impossible for any length of time.  The harder we fight, the more depleted we become. Yet we try to do just that in our personal lives.  We push ourselves mercilessly in wrong directions, exhausting body, mind, and spirit.  

On the river, we have learned that keen observation of the obstacles--the rocks and rapids and bends in the channel—coupled with aware and subtle guidance with the blade of the paddle, allows us to move smoothly through potentially dangerous situations.  If we battle the river, we always lose.  If we’re inattentive, the canoe may turn sideways in an instant and tip over.

Mindfulness is our key protection in canoeing, just as it is in daily experience.  Wayne Dyer said it well in Real Magic:  “Whatever we’re for strengthens us; whatever we’re against weakens us.”  On the river, we seek positive directions, guiding ourselves purposely toward the flow of the current, letting the power of the river move us.  Staying present in each moment, we avoid the dangerous rocks and glide safely into calmer waters.

Another lesson from the river is that our trip is most successful when we are generous and compassionate toward others.  We usually suffer “instant karma” if we act in selfish or hurtful ways.  For example, a group of young men were canoeing the North Platte in Wyoming when we were there.  They thought it humorous that all these old ladies had the nerve to tackle such a macho sport.  With lunch stops and excursions, the two groups passed each other several times during the first day. Ethyl, our guide, knew the fellow who was leading their party.  The two of them traded good-natured jokes and humorous insults as we all traveled downriver. 

On the second day out, the men passed us very fast, paddling furiously to get ahead of us.  Ethyl knew that they were rushing to beat us to the most beautiful camping spot on the river, which she had hoped to claim for our group that night.  Sure enough, when we arrived at this special spot, the men were already setting up their camp, terribly smug about their victory.  We had to paddle two more tiring hours to put into a decent site.  That effort took extra discipline and fortitude, despite strong headwinds and weariness.

But the river took care of us.  A heavy storm hit overnight, bringing high winds and torrents of cold rain.  At 6:00 the next morning, a very bedraggled, motley group of familiar river rats rounded the bend as we were preparing our breakfast.  We waved in silence as they paddled past.  It seems that the river surged during the night and flooded their “perfect” campsite.  They had to break camp and hastily retreat to their canoes well before daylight.  River karma.

I have learned so much from the river:  Gentleness, compassion, generous behavior, along with the importance of mindfulness and a positive direction.  These are also important keys to emotional recovery.  As time passes after our straight spouse crises, we are increasingly able to understand that we are not separate from the suffering and joy of others, including that of our gay mate.  With growing realization that we are fundamentally connected to every living being, we can let the river carry us, burdens and all, to the next safe campsite. Optimistically paddling ahead, not back, it becomes possible to heal ourselves and move into a more peaceful future. 

Tags: , , , , , ,
Posted in Current Affairs, My Mission, Other Resources, Recovery Tips, Sports, Travel | 1 Comment »

“HOMOWIVES” IN CHINA FIND VOICE

March 6th, 2015 by Carol Grever

 

Most straight spouses feel unique in their mixed-orientation dilemma, though these mismatched couples can be found everywhere in the world.  During two decades of writing about these relationships, I have received related contacts from Canada, Mexico, El Salvador, Thailand, Australia, England, South Africa, in addition to my home country of the United States.  It’s clear that these challenging marriages are a world-wide phenomenon. 

An online article in Quartz by Zheping Huang gave startling statistics about female straight spouses in China.  Until recently, such marriages were not publicly acknowledged, though scholarly estimates number them in the millions.  Zhang Beichuan, a scholar in the field, estimates that China has twenty million male homosexuals and 80% of them will marry a woman.  Eighty percent!  Social and cultural pressure to do so is pervasive. This contrasts strikingly with the estimated 15-20% of American gays who marry. 

Young men in China, gay or straight, are pressured to marry in order to father an heir.  Divorce is out of the question, and the wives are trapped. Female straight spouses in China are dubbed "homowives," short for wives of homosexuals.  The Quartz article focuses on these women’s extreme predicament and their mounting support for gay marriage. Their goal is to remove some of the social pressure for gay men to marry women and to legalize same-sex marriage.  Quoting the article:

“Homowives” and their supporters are getting more vocal about their own situations, and the need for China to become more accepting of homosexuality. Zhang Ziwei, a 27-year-old corporate secretary from Nanchang, southeast China’s Jiangxi Province, who dated a gay man three years ago, now manages a QQ chat group on the topic with more than one hundred members. She is translating two books—My Husband Is Gay and When Your Spouse Comes Out, written by Carol Grever, an American woman who married a gay man—into Chinese.

These women are becoming vocal activists to urge legalization of same-sex marriage.  Though their efforts have not yet come to fruition, it is gratifying to know that my books may be useful in their efforts.

Click the link below to read the whole Quartz article.   

http://qz.com/329575/chinas-homowives-are-becoming-unlikely-champions-for-gay-rights/

Tags: , , , , , , ,
Posted in Current Affairs, My Mission, Other Resources, Recovery Tips | 1 Comment »

ADVICE FOR A NEW BEGINNING

November 6th, 2014 by Carol Grever

 

“I have met a straight spouse 'survivor', and over time I found I really admired her and like her very much, but I am finding that dating her has its hidden challenges.  She was very honest and up front, and is 3 years post finding out.  She has dealt with the aftermath with dignity and courage.  But I sure would like to be aware of the pitfall issues, especially where it triggers feelings.  I can deal with the emotions; just don't want to cause her hurt.  Would you consider a do’s and don’ts column for those of us that appear after?”

~ ~ ~

This sincere call for help noted that such an article would be a “tall order,” but it spotlights another aspect of the straight spouse journey—finding happiness with a new partner.  What should a new suitor know about the distinct needs of a recovering straight spouse?  What particular sensitivities remain that could sabotage a subsequent romantic relationship?

Let’s open the next chapter.  What does a person dating a straight spouse need to know to create a wholesome and positive bond?  My book, When Your Spouse Comes Out: A Straight Mate’s Recovery Manual (The Haworth Press, 2008) has whole chapters on related topics, but for this article I posed the question to three straight spouses who have previously contributed comments to this blog.  I also asked my most obvious source, my own husband, who stumbled on a few pitfalls himself in our early days together.  All of us have walked this path and all contributed to the advice summarized here.

Common Challenges; Sage Advice

Fear and loss of trust.  Break-ups after a mate comes out are fraught with feelings of betrayal.  Trust has been destroyed because what appeared to be true was not.  The fear that such deception could happen again creates a long-lasting wound that takes years to heal.  Vague suspicion surrounds each potential suitor, who must prove his sincerity.  As one survivor noted, I think it’s a good idea for anyone who gets into a relationship with a straight spouse to expect occasional insecurity, even some suspicion that you might be hiding something. 

Kathe was specific about her requirements:  The big three I looked for in a new relationship were truth, faithfulness, and commitment.  I decided that I wouldn’t compromise any of them. Ask for and give complete honesty.  Talk through the source of fears and offer repeated reassurance that this is a new start.  That was then, this is now.  As Louella put it, I can go on trusting until I discover a reason for distrust.

Lingering anger.  Every divorced straight spouse carries hidden triggers or hooks for blocked anger.  It simmers under the surface and flares unexpectedly. Some hold it longer and more deeply than others.  Triggers are individual and unpredictable, rooted in past experiences that no one else can fully comprehend.  This pitfall requires patience, understanding, and often forgiveness.  A good practice is to try to stand in the straight spouse’s place, exchange yourself for her and see each incident from her perspective.  This develops empathy for her wound.  Recognize and try to avoid the hook that precipitated a particular outburst.  

Shame, self-doubt.  Straight spouses are repeatedly asked, “Didn’t you know?”  The implied “How could you not know?” is one source of the deep-seated shame that many feel.  Feeling stupid is the common result, often leading to long-term self-doubt.   Obviously the gay partner was adept at deception.  The kindest approach for a healing straight spouse is frequent, mutual reminders that the one who was misled is neither stupid nor blind—just deceived. 

Nervousness about intimacy.  Volatility in a new relationship may be rooted in sexual insecurity.  As Jackie put it, When you’ve been sexually rejected, or you’ve been blamed for the sex in your mixed-orientation marriage not being good, or you’ve otherwise had emotionally fraught experiences with sex, approaching sex again tends to be scary because in the past, it’s been traumatic. I think it’s a good idea for anyone who gets into a relationship with a straight spouse to occasionally expect some sexual insecurity.  Once again, patience, empathy, and understanding are needed.

Unexpected, recurring grief.  Changing family and social ties and the disintegration of one’s expected future invite bouts of recurring sadness for straight spouses.  They endure many losses that have to be grieved, sooner or later:  Divorce, loss of identity, shaken friendships, family alienation, feelings of worthlessness. 

Deep wounds require long healing.  Louella Komuves wrote a book to help herself heal (Silent Sagas: Unsung Sorrows, iUniverse, 2006).  After eleven years happily remarried, Louella recalls an example of repeated grief.  The date of her anniversary with her first [gay] husband was approaching.  Next year, that anniversary will be 50 years ago that we married.  When I realized that, suddenly I needed to be "sad" because that time would not be celebrated in the very special ways that both my parents and in-laws enjoyed. . . . However, knowing that my second husband is a great listener, I had no trouble sharing with him my sadness.  Once I said aloud what I was feeling, it was like getting the thought "out of my body" and gave me the renewed freedom to be content in my current status.  It is natural to grieve personal losses, like missing a benchmark anniversary, but episodes like this pass even more quickly with an understanding listener. 

Shared values.  For many straight spouses, compatible spiritual paths are a vital component of complete recovery.  Shared spirituality as a core value grounds relationships.  At the very least, tolerance for differences in belief systems is essential for lasting connection.  As Louella observes, it was not important that the man belong to my religion (mainline Protestant denomination), but I needed him to know how important my personal involvement in church activities is to me.  Though her husband feels welcome to participate, he doesn’t feel obligated to join Louella’s church.  Instead, each encourages the other to practice their individual spiritual journeys—in a loving, open, supportive atmosphere. 

Wisdom from experience.  My husband, Dale, who has lived through Kevin’s dilemma, offers his advice on loving and understanding a recovering straight spouse.

  • Examine yourself.  This new relationship is more complex than most.  What is your goal for the best possible outcome?
  • Keep talking!  When you hit a pitfall, ask exactly what happened and how it felt.  Ask her to help you understand her needs. Your own sensitivity is a good foundation for this developing relationship.   
  • Explore your own feelings and attitudes toward homosexuality and inform yourself about related issues. Learn the facts.
  • Be aware and accepting of her lifelong relationships formed prior to your life together.  Her family ties, her history with a gay husband, her children, friends from her previous life—these will not go away and may become more complicated.  You’ll have to put the pieces of this puzzle together in a new design that works for you both. 
  • You can’t hate.  Accept your new reality and try to drop negativity.  Also understand that her recovery will be complete when she can truly forgive.
  • Realize that long-term healing will be required.  It takes several years.
  • Finally, when you hook an emotional response, talk it out immediately and remember that the trigger episode from the past “doesn’t belong to you.”

Shared responsibility.  A survivor’s new mate should give frequent reassurance to support renewed self-confidence, but both people carry responsibility for the ultimate success of their developing partnership.  Jackie articulated the point very well:     

I still have a responsibility to be in good working order. It’s one thing to ask a partner to tag a base every now and then—“no, I’m not hiding anything” or “yes, I think you’re sexy”—but it’s not okay for me to be a constant ball of insecurity. I have a responsibility to know my triggers and not bite my partner’s head off if he accidentally sets one off. And if there are desires or habits that aren’t a good match, it may mean that we’re not sexually compatible--not because there’s something that needs to change about him. So, kudos on the sensitivity, but you never have to sign up for bad treatment or become a different person sexually just because a straight spouse has gone through a trauma.

Find professional help.  Addressing recurring issues requires unique solutions for each couple. There are no neat formulas to follow. For that reason, it is important, perhaps imperative, to engage in joint and individual counseling with informed professionals.  Use these resources to work out your best possible future.  Drawing from her own experience, Jackie’s reminder applies:  You never have to sign up for bad treatment or become a different person just because a straight spouse has gone through a trauma.  Hopefully, her great qualities outweigh these inconveniences, and the satisfying parts of the relationship are worth the price of admission.

Tags: , , , , ,
Posted in Current Affairs, My Mission, Other Resources, Recovery Tips | 2 Comments »

THE OTHER SIDE OF THE STORY

August 29th, 2014 by Carol Grever

 

Straight Spouse Connection was begun in 2008 to explore topics relevant to mixed-orientation families, particularly to the heterosexual partner in these relationships.  Most articles were intended to connect straight spouses with each other in a meaningful, positive way, to inform and comfort them, and to encourage their recovery after discovery of their spouse’s sexual secrets.  Given that core purpose, the complicated journeys of their gay mates were not emphasized—until now.

An exciting new book is just out that effectively addresses the question, “Why do gay and bisexual men marry women?  The Marrying Kind? by Charles Neal, a prominent British psychotherapist, gives brilliant insight into the needs, motivations, ramifications, and outcomes of these men.  Though it is aimed primarily at a gay male audience, it is an important contribution to the  literature for therapists, counselors, trainers, and especially for affected family members—wives, children and parents of these married gay men. 

Certified by the United Kingdom Council for Psychotherapy (UKCP), Neal has forty years’ experience in counseling. Among other accomplishments, he is founder and chair of the UK Association for Lesbian, Gay and Bisexual Psychologies and has taught and written on related topics. His own story in the final chapter adds credibility, written in the same format as the preceding chapters.  He is “a gay parent, a survivor of alcoholic parenting, abuse and bullying, and serious illness.”  He first married a woman, fathering two sons, and has now been married for more than three decades to his gay husband. 

The book relates experiences of ten gay and bi men, ending with the author’s own story.  In excruciating detail, they reveal their internalized oppression, fearfulness, insecurity, and shame that informed their decisions.  The need to belong and connect with community drove many.  Family or career pressure factored in.  Some hoped that marriage to a woman might change their homosexual desires, or at least “cover” them.  Some simply sought a stable domestic life, or longed to father children. 

Religious pressure was also a factor for many, especially those with fundamental Christian, Muslim, Hindu, Jewish, or Catholic beliefs.  Feeling unsupported or even persecuted by their religious communities, they chose conventional marriage as an escape.  With the authority of a counseling psychologist, the author adds his voice to other experts who discredit so-called “reparative therapy” to “convert” gays to straights.  Rather, sexuality is presented in all its nuances, as a process and a continuum that includes bisexuality, androgyny, blurred gender and other variations.  Simplistic solutions are neither applicable nor useful. 

Interestingly, the subjects interviewed for this book all came out in their thirties to fifties, after their children neared adulthood. This pattern has been observed in the United States as well. At mid-life, authenticity becomes more important.  Like their heartbroken wives, these men’s intimate personal stories reveal untold pain. 

Learning more about the other side of the story can be beneficial for recovering straight spouses.  The more we know, the better we can understand and move toward a favorable outcome and the final stage of recovery--empathy and forgiveness.

This is a book worth reading for any person whose family has been tested by a mixed-orientation marriage.  It is well written and reveals real people's experience.  The extensive bibliography and list of resources make the book even more useful.  I highly recommend it.         

                                                                        Carol

For more information, contact charles@charles-neal.com.

 

Tags: , , , , , , ,
Posted in Books, Current Affairs, My Mission, Other Resources, Recovery Tips | 3 Comments »

SAVING WHAT MATTERS

July 31st, 2014 by Carol Grever

 

If you searched out Straight Spouse Connection, you are probably in the grip of grief.  Loss drives straight spouses to come here seeking information, comfort, and connection.  The articles here emphasize assurance that pain passes and a calmer, happier future is possible.  In many cases, the mixed-orientation crisis opens a door to something even better.

I found echoes of that inspiring truth in one of my favorite blogs, Andi O’Conor’s Burning Down the House:  Essays on the Poetry of Loss.   Andi’s family home burned when she was twelve, her parents and siblings barely escaping by jumping out second-story windows.  Again, as an adult, fire destroyed the home she’d built for herself in Four Mile Canyon near Boulder, Colorado.  Andi writes of these ironic, devastating losses in a wise, constructive way. 

Her latest post also has a link to her TED talk titled “A Pretty Good Deal.”  In this moving video, she gives convincing evidence that “losing everything can restore your faith in humanity.”

I highly recommend that you visit and browse Andi’s posts to learn how she overcame loss and grief and rebuilt a more rewarding life and career.  Her story is full of hope and it’s totally relevant to the straight spouse experience.  Above all, take ten minutes to watch her TED Talk. 

http://www.burningdownthehouseblog.com/a-pretty-good-deal

Like Andi, people in mixed orientation relationships may be living in a "house with walls that need to come down."  I’ve tested and witnessed that concept personally and found it sound.  Every seeming disaster in my past has somehow opened my heart and mind to something better.  That message is so beautifully stated in Andi's blog and her video.  I'm a grateful fan and I think you will be as well.

                                                                 Carol

Tags: , , , , ,
Posted in Current Affairs, Film, My Mission, Other Resources, Recovery Tips, Web/Tech, Weblogs | 2 Comments »

DISCOVERING JOY

April 30th, 2014 by Carol Grever

“He flung himself from the room, flung himself on his horse, and rode madly off in all directions.”

Stephen Leacock, Literary Lapses, 1910. 

When your spouse comes out, it’s a dramatic, confusing, often traumatic time.  There is no certainty, no obvious direction.  What’s your next step?  How will this event affect your future?   Desperately seeking answers, your efforts are scattered. Like Leacock’s character, you fling yourself onto the nearest horse and “ride madly off in all directions.”

Where is a consoling sense of well-being to be found?  What action will lead to renewed security and self-esteem?  There is no single answer because every straight spouse is a unique individual in a particular situation.  Still, the basic facts are the same:  One is gay, one is straight, and the discovery of that difference is a significant game-changer.  For most couples, it means parting and subsequently reconfiguring separate lives.  Based on the experience of many mixed-orientation couples, some guidelines do emerge to move more confidently into the next stage and even discover joy on the way.

Determination

Defy defeat!  After the initial trauma of separation, look at all possible options for yourself as a single person.  A mate coming out is only one event in one's life, though a major one.  It is not the end.  You still have a future.  Approach that future with strong determination to overcome this catastrophe and to discover something even better.

Confronting Reality

Armed with a firm sense of purpose, take a mental step back and look objectively at your entire situation.  It is essential to examine every aspect, with no distortion from emotion or resentment.  When you feel calmer, compile three lists of the bare facts. The first is your list of ongoing resources and assets.  Do you have a home?  A car?  A job or other stream of income?  Do you have a support group of family or friends?  What are your sources of security as a single person? 

The second list defines your obvious external needs and obligations.  Consider your finances, employment, housing, health issues, insurance, transportation, and so on.  Will you stay in the family home?  Go back to school?  Find a new job?  Move out of state?  Get help from relatives?  What about the kids?  Try to list all of your commitments, needs, and responsibilities that relate to others.  With this list in hand, determine a first step and formulate a preliminary plan.  Examining the reality of your predicament as dispassionately as possible lays groundwork for constructive action.

The final list is equally important for transitioning into a new life:  Your emotional, psychological, and spiritual needs.  This inventory may be the most difficult, for it requires honest soul-searching, a thorough examination of your deepest inner life.  Ask yourself questions like these:  What makes me feel most content?  What are my core beliefs?  What fundamental values do I hold?  On a scale of one to ten, what is most important to me?  What would it take for me to feel fulfilled and satisfied?

Seed of Success

These long lists may feel overwhelming at first, with a daunting array of necessary responsibilities.  The whole situation may seem hopeless—but it is not!  You are more than the roles you’ve played in the past for mate, family, co-workers, and friends.  You have within the power to overcome your challenges.  Deep in your mind and heart, you have untapped strength.  An innate knowing is your seed of success.  It is your connection to a greater whole—the entire community of other straight spouses who have survived this drama and achieved even better lives.  After the initial hurt subsides, a new reality can be realized.  Many former “victims” say that their mate’s coming out was life-changing--a catalyst for something much better.  Perhaps it is a new career, a happier marriage, a calmer home life, or improved self-esteem.  Going through the fire opened new possibilities for many.

Aspiration for Joy

Survival is one thing, joy is quite another.  But joy is within your reach.  Focus now on yourself.  What would make you happy today?  Let go of the life you’d planned and reimagine your new one.  Dream the life you really want!  Determine what is required to achieve it and devise a strategy to move toward it.  Though your eye is on the ultimate goal, it’s encouraging to remember that glimpses of happiness needn’t be deferred.  Aspire to the top, but treasure the surprises of taking each step in that direction.  Savor the journey.  Open your eyes to beauty and goodness in ordinary moments of each day.  Meet each revelation with gratitude as you seek to discover your bliss.

You’re Not Alone

Perhaps the major lesson from the straight spouse experience is the discovery that there is nothing truly unique about your situation.  You are not the only one who has experienced this “detour,” nor will you be the last.  Knowing that you have comrades on this path offers tremendous relief and hope.  If others have lived it, learned from it, and gone on to happier times, why not you?  You can get through to the other side—wiser and stronger.  For some real-life examples of this point, watch the short video prepared for the Straight Spouse Network by Ken Rinehart.  (Click the link at the end of this article.)  It demonstrates the importance of peer support. 

Though a mixed-orientation marriage presents unexpected challenges for both partners, inevitable changes that follow need not ruin either spouse’s life.  Armed with accurate information, an open mind, and realistic goals, protected by strong determination and clear-seeing wisdom, both partners can let go of the past and devise a new direction. Unlike Leacock's crazed horseman, flying off in all directions, you'll have a clear path to follow.  On that journey, may all discover joy!

~ ~ ~ 

For a realistic affirmation that there is reason for hope, please watch Ken Rinehart’s new video.  https://vimeo.com/89183091

 

Posted in Film, Other Resources, Recovery Tips | 2 Comments »

TIPS TO "UNTANGLE"

March 31st, 2013 by Carol Grever

    When
the initial confusion settles after a gay married person comes out, the
straight partner has a life-changing decision to make: Divorce or remain in the
marriage.  Many factors determine the
answer to that question—longevity of the partnership, children, finances,
emotional attachment among them.  It is
seldom an automatic decision.

    Because
mixed-orientation relationships are shadowed in secrecy, it is impossible to
say with certainty how many stay together after one partner comes out.  The common estimate is that 85% of
gay-straight couples split and 15% stay together, at least for a time.  According to one study by Amity Pierce Buxton
with the Straight Spouse Network, one-third of couples separate immediately
after the gay spouse comes out, another third attempt to remain together but
break up later, and another third remain committed to the marriage.  However, after three years, only half of
these couples are still together.

    Clearly,
the large majority of straight spouses decide to divorce.  Separating is never easy, but it is
particularly challenging if the marriage is long-standing.  Divorce is complicated in itself, but the
myriad personal details surrounding the process make it nearly
overwhelming. 

    A
new workbook can help.  Mandy Walker
writes about these matters on her blog, Since
My Divorce, www.sincemydivorce.com  Her free self-help
workbook, Visioning Your Life After
Divorce, is offered on that site.  Mandy
has also just published an e-book, available for Kindle on Amazon.com. Untangling From Your Spouse: How to Prepare
for Divorce offers practical information on the logistics of ending a
marriage.  It is forthright and clear, a
listing of steps necessary for self-protection legally, personally, and
financially. For example, the book gives practical advice regarding changing
passwords and mail arrangements, insurance matters, credit card protection, and
living arrangements.  The resource list
at the end suggests additional helpful online sites.


    Mandy
is motivated by integrity, not revenge. 
Her straightforward e-book and workbook can be valuable for straight
spouses who decide to launch a new life on their own. 

Posted in Books, Current Affairs, Other Resources, Recovery Tips, Weblogs | No Comments »

« Older Entries