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VIRTUAL SUPPORT EFFECTIVE

May 6th, 2015 by Carol Grever

 

I was recently invited to participate in a private Facebook group for straight spouses in Australia.  Since I live in the United States and most of my contacts are in this country, it has been interesting to read accounts from “down under” of people dealing with mixed orientation relationships.  Most of the FB participants are women in the early stages of recovery after their husbands have come out. 

Many are mothers with children still at home, others are middle-aged or older.  They share day-to-day disappointments and progress, as well as moments of despair or hope—the mixed bag of emotions familiar to all straight spouses, no matter where they live.  They ask and answer questions about depression, anger, spousal abuse or subterfuge, finances, health concerns, how to help their children understand, and on and on.  They live in different cities, but they support each other effectively via their Internet friendships.

The similarity of their experience to that of Americans is real and not surprising.  In matters of love and betrayal, we are much alike.  I expected that parallel, but the Aussies’ raw openness is different.  They share daily detailed accounts of emotional wounds with utter candor, with no hesitation or embarrassment.  They share deeply and don’t mince words.  They celebrate small wins--“I got a new haircut, shorter than my husband liked.”  They also reveal rage and despair—“This is not worth the effort.” 

Through the years, straight spouses from three continents have contacted me, seeking reassurance and guidance as they regain their balance and sense of self.  Regardless of their religion, culture, native language, or home country, there is a recognizable pattern in their experience.  With some individual variation, they move through the phases of recovery described in an earlier post on this Website (“Stages of Recovery,” May 28, 2008).  After the initial shock of disclosure, they may have an odd sense of relief (Whew!  It wasn’t me!), followed by a mixture of denial and confusion that may include elements of self-blame, as well as sympathy for the gay partner’s pain.  After facing their new reality, the next stage is fraught with danger:  Anger or rage, grief, and despair.  In extreme cases, violence or self-harm occur.  Some spouses give up completely; a few succumb to addictions or choose suicide.  These typical reactions have occurred over and over, colored by the particular culture of the country.

Hope is not lost, however.  Though the painful earlier stages are all part of the process of recovery, occurring and recurring in a maddening cycle, they are not interminable.  A trigger event usually creates a turning point that leads to acceptance of what cannot be changed.  Recognition of their new reality opens the ground for eventual forgiveness and discovery of new meaning beyond one’s small self. 

None of this process is guaranteed, nor is it a mechanical evolution with certain closure.  In order to move through it successfully, support from knowledgeable, understanding peers is almost essential   I cannot imagine surviving my own transition into independence and a rewarding new career without the early encouragement of a straight spouse peer group.  In face-to-face meetings, I found comfort and reassurance that I was not alone.  I discovered that straight spouses are legion.  We exist in every country and somehow find individual pathways toward healing. 

Now that the Internet is pervasive, our virtual contact through social media seems to work as well.  The Australian Facebook community for straight spouses is one excellent example.  This is therefore an enthusiastic endorsement of peer support and the power of our own words to heal ourselves and each other.  Keep talking, people!  You can get through this!

 

 

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LESSONS FROM THE RIVER

April 4th, 2015 by Carol Grever

 

For many years, I have enjoyed whitewater canoe trips with women friends on the wild rivers of Colorado, Wyoming, and Utah in the U.S.  Being philosophical types, we named our outings “Journey to the Source,” using the river as a metaphor for life.  On these trips, we take time to contemplate the meaning of pivotal events and to rest from the incessant rush of ordinary experience. 

Water is a familiar symbol in this way--the “womb of the ocean,” the “stream of life” and so on.  We are urged to “go with the flow.” Though these phrases have become trite, like most clichés, they are based in a deeper truth which has become popularly recognized. 

My friends and I have learned a great deal from the river.  The first is to work with it, never against it.  Paddling upstream is extremely difficult, indeed impossible for any length of time.  The harder we fight, the more depleted we become. Yet we try to do just that in our personal lives.  We push ourselves mercilessly in wrong directions, exhausting body, mind, and spirit.  

On the river, we have learned that keen observation of the obstacles--the rocks and rapids and bends in the channel—coupled with aware and subtle guidance with the blade of the paddle, allows us to move smoothly through potentially dangerous situations.  If we battle the river, we always lose.  If we’re inattentive, the canoe may turn sideways in an instant and tip over.

Mindfulness is our key protection in canoeing, just as it is in daily experience.  Wayne Dyer said it well in Real Magic:  “Whatever we’re for strengthens us; whatever we’re against weakens us.”  On the river, we seek positive directions, guiding ourselves purposely toward the flow of the current, letting the power of the river move us.  Staying present in each moment, we avoid the dangerous rocks and glide safely into calmer waters.

Another lesson from the river is that our trip is most successful when we are generous and compassionate toward others.  We usually suffer “instant karma” if we act in selfish or hurtful ways.  For example, a group of young men were canoeing the North Platte in Wyoming when we were there.  They thought it humorous that all these old ladies had the nerve to tackle such a macho sport.  With lunch stops and excursions, the two groups passed each other several times during the first day. Ethyl, our guide, knew the fellow who was leading their party.  The two of them traded good-natured jokes and humorous insults as we all traveled downriver. 

On the second day out, the men passed us very fast, paddling furiously to get ahead of us.  Ethyl knew that they were rushing to beat us to the most beautiful camping spot on the river, which she had hoped to claim for our group that night.  Sure enough, when we arrived at this special spot, the men were already setting up their camp, terribly smug about their victory.  We had to paddle two more tiring hours to put into a decent site.  That effort took extra discipline and fortitude, despite strong headwinds and weariness.

But the river took care of us.  A heavy storm hit overnight, bringing high winds and torrents of cold rain.  At 6:00 the next morning, a very bedraggled, motley group of familiar river rats rounded the bend as we were preparing our breakfast.  We waved in silence as they paddled past.  It seems that the river surged during the night and flooded their “perfect” campsite.  They had to break camp and hastily retreat to their canoes well before daylight.  River karma.

I have learned so much from the river:  Gentleness, compassion, generous behavior, along with the importance of mindfulness and a positive direction.  These are also important keys to emotional recovery.  As time passes after our straight spouse crises, we are increasingly able to understand that we are not separate from the suffering and joy of others, including that of our gay mate.  With growing realization that we are fundamentally connected to every living being, we can let the river carry us, burdens and all, to the next safe campsite. Optimistically paddling ahead, not back, it becomes possible to heal ourselves and move into a more peaceful future. 

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“HOMOWIVES” IN CHINA FIND VOICE

March 6th, 2015 by Carol Grever

 

Most straight spouses feel unique in their mixed-orientation dilemma, though these mismatched couples can be found everywhere in the world.  During two decades of writing about these relationships, I have received related contacts from Canada, Mexico, El Salvador, Thailand, Australia, England, South Africa, in addition to my home country of the United States.  It’s clear that these challenging marriages are a world-wide phenomenon. 

An online article in Quartz by Zheping Huang gave startling statistics about female straight spouses in China.  Until recently, such marriages were not publicly acknowledged, though scholarly estimates number them in the millions.  Zhang Beichuan, a scholar in the field, estimates that China has twenty million male homosexuals and 80% of them will marry a woman.  Eighty percent!  Social and cultural pressure to do so is pervasive. This contrasts strikingly with the estimated 15-20% of American gays who marry. 

Young men in China, gay or straight, are pressured to marry in order to father an heir.  Divorce is out of the question, and the wives are trapped. Female straight spouses in China are dubbed "homowives," short for wives of homosexuals.  The Quartz article focuses on these women’s extreme predicament and their mounting support for gay marriage. Their goal is to remove some of the social pressure for gay men to marry women and to legalize same-sex marriage.  Quoting the article:

“Homowives” and their supporters are getting more vocal about their own situations, and the need for China to become more accepting of homosexuality. Zhang Ziwei, a 27-year-old corporate secretary from Nanchang, southeast China’s Jiangxi Province, who dated a gay man three years ago, now manages a QQ chat group on the topic with more than one hundred members. She is translating two books—My Husband Is Gay and When Your Spouse Comes Out, written by Carol Grever, an American woman who married a gay man—into Chinese.

These women are becoming vocal activists to urge legalization of same-sex marriage.  Though their efforts have not yet come to fruition, it is gratifying to know that my books may be useful in their efforts.

Click the link below to read the whole Quartz article.   

http://qz.com/329575/chinas-homowives-are-becoming-unlikely-champions-for-gay-rights/

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WAKING FROM THE NIGHTMARE

February 4th, 2015 by Carol Grever

 

After years of writing about mixed-orientation relationships, I’m still learning.  Sometimes the lessons come in curious ways.  The latest one came overnight in an extremely vivid and detailed dream.

In the dream, I’m still married to Jim, my gay husband.  Our two sons are grown and we are in our late 40’s.  We are partners in our successful staffing business, respected leaders in community and church organizations, and immersed in a busy social life.  We appear to be the “perfect couple,” though privately I suspect that, behind our glittery public façade, something critical is missing in our marriage.  We are great business partners, but Jim seems distracted at home and our intimate relations lack real passion and have become routine.  Jim has new friends that I don’t know and takes “solo vacations” occasionally.  He goes out at night, sporting flamboyant clothes, driving his expensive new convertible.  Sound familiar? 

Up to this point, my dream has been a replay of what actually happened before my husband came out of the closet.  I was simply replaying real experience in my sleep. 

Now comes the curious part.  I dream that Jim is having an affair, but not with a man.  The break from our real history is that he’s seeing another woman.  This is where “the teacher appears” in my dream.  I feel nothing but FURY.  I’m crazed with anger, hurling curses and insults, feeling utterly betrayed and rejected.  I scream and rail and throw Jim out of the house.  Then I collapse in exhaustion.  I wake up sweating, feeling panicky. 

That violent reaction in the dream is nothing like my actual waking experience when my husband told me he’s gay.  Hiding behind the nightmare’s ferocity is my quivering, vulnerable, wounded heart, whispering, “You’re not good enough.  You aren’t beautiful or sexy or desirable.  Jim doesn’t love you because you’re a loser.”  I felt like an abandoned child, overcome with a nauseating sense of utter inadequacy.  My unbridled anger was born in my broken-hearted dearth of self-worth.

In real life, our history was quite different.  Jim haltingly told me that he’s gay, a secret he’d struggled with during our whole time together.  He had lived the lie his whole adult life. He felt helpless shame and was torn apart by his own dilemma—to stay and endure an inauthentic old age, or to tell his truth and suffer the consequences.  What actually happened is that I responded at that moment with pity and compassion for his pain.  Instead of screaming at him, I put my arms around him and cried with him.  Even then, I knew that life had changed forever, and I was filled with grief, not fury.  I wept for both of us. 

As months passed after Jim came out, I learned much more about his double life and struggle to keep his clandestine affairs hidden.  I had recurring bouts of anger and despondency through those months.  It was the familiar “roller coaster” of feelings—hopeful one day and emotionally destitute the next.  Our familiar, comfortable life was falling apart, and I grieved its loss as a death.  But my major emotion was sadness, not anger.  My real-life response to Jim’s truth was totally different from this illuminating nightmare. 

My terrible dream did demonstrate something I never fully realized before.  I experienced Jim’s revelation all over again, but my response wasn’t at all like our true history.  In my dream, Jim isn’t gay.  His lovers are other women.  This critical difference attacked my deepest sense of worthiness.  It devalued me as a person.  “I’m not good enough.”  I felt unloved and unlovable--utterly worthless!  These devastating feelings caused me to strike back with incredible force.

What makes the nightmare worth sharing here is this:  Competing with another woman for my husband’s attention and affection brought forth a violent counter-attack and destructive self-doubt.  My self-esteem plummeted and I wanted to fight back.  In contrast, I actually responded sympathetically because it wasn’t about me at all.  Jim’s homosexuality is not my fault, nor is it his choice.  Sexual orientation is inborn, not learned or chosen.  If your mate is gay, it says nothing at all about your desirability or your worth.  It is simply fact.  You can’t change it, even if you are perfect in all respects.  And your spouse can’t change it either. 

Understanding this truth may help you avoid internalizing blame and shame and loss of self-respect when your spouse comes out.  Your incompatibility with your mate has nothing to do with your own attractiveness or value as a human being.  Knowing this at a deep level could open your heart--even to the possibility of empathy, friendship, and eventual forgiveness for the earlier betrayal.  It might allow you to let go of a past marred by deception and heal into confident optimism.

Years have passed since my husband told me he’s gay.  For most of the time since, I have urged other straight spouses to let go of self-blame.  There is nothing anyone can do to change sexual orientation--yours or your spouse’s.  Instead, change what you can in your unique situation, accept what you have no control over, and move toward the next stage of your life in the most positive way you can manage.  Time can heal even deep wounds.  If you can eventually forgive the hurt you’ve endured, you truly are restored and whole.

 

 

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DECIDING A GREAT CIVIL RIGHTS QUESTION

January 19th, 2015 by Carol Grever

      

       The United States is approaching a definitive answer to what the New York Times calls “one of the great civil rights questions in a generation.” Our Supreme Court agreed to decide if gay marriage must be allowed in all 50 United States.  More than 70 percent of Americans already live in places where gay couples can marry.  Same-sex marriage is already legal in 36 states and the District of Columbia.  Now is the time for positive Supreme Court action.The high court will hear arguments, probably in late April of this year. 

          This news is a relevant topic for Straight Spouse Connection.  Many readers of this blog are middle-aged or older and have already been victimized by societal pressures requiring traditional marriage.  Their gay spouses felt compelled to marry to hide their sexual orientation.  Many languished in mixed-orientation relationships for decades before one spouse came out.  They are already casualties, their damage done.  Other younger gay people continue to marry straight partners because of religious beliefs, family, social or career pressures.  This news about a Supreme Court decision is germane in all these scenarios.

          Though they can’t change their past, many older straight spouses are “paying it forward.”  Perhaps their closeted anguish helped build the current momentum toward a definitive decision to honor the dignity of same-sex relationships—to prevent future grief of straight men and women unknowingly entering disastrous mixed marriages.

          The future looks brighter for those just entering marriage, gay or straight.  Legal recognition of same-sex marriage nation-wide would measurably alleviate gay people’s need to hide their sexual orientation through secrecy, deception, and double lives.  It would diminish the significant legal and emotional burdens caused by local discriminatory laws, freeing people to marry as they choose and enjoy legal protections they previously were denied.  Thus, legalizing same-sex marriage would mean fewer mismatched couples entering ill-fated gay-straight bonds, with the inevitable pain of discovery.

          Legalization of gay marriage in the United States would not be binding anywhere else in the world, but many other countries have preceded us in this decision.  Same-sex marriage is currently legal in 18 countries, the earliest acceptance by The Netherlands in 2000.  The most recent countries following suit are England, Wales, Brazil, France, New Zealand, and Uruguay in 2013, and Scotland and Luxembourg last year.  After years of political posturing and religious protestations, world opinion is leaning toward broader acceptance. 

          Surely our Supreme Court will see the need, heed the trend, and make a positive decision to sanction gay marriage.  If even one mixed-orientation couple can be saved from a doomed marriage, coerced by family, religious, social, or professional pressure, efforts to legalize same-sex marriage have not been wasted.

 

 

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ADVICE FOR A NEW BEGINNING

November 6th, 2014 by Carol Grever

 

“I have met a straight spouse 'survivor', and over time I found I really admired her and like her very much, but I am finding that dating her has its hidden challenges.  She was very honest and up front, and is 3 years post finding out.  She has dealt with the aftermath with dignity and courage.  But I sure would like to be aware of the pitfall issues, especially where it triggers feelings.  I can deal with the emotions; just don't want to cause her hurt.  Would you consider a do’s and don’ts column for those of us that appear after?”

~ ~ ~

This sincere call for help noted that such an article would be a “tall order,” but it spotlights another aspect of the straight spouse journey—finding happiness with a new partner.  What should a new suitor know about the distinct needs of a recovering straight spouse?  What particular sensitivities remain that could sabotage a subsequent romantic relationship?

Let’s open the next chapter.  What does a person dating a straight spouse need to know to create a wholesome and positive bond?  My book, When Your Spouse Comes Out: A Straight Mate’s Recovery Manual (The Haworth Press, 2008) has whole chapters on related topics, but for this article I posed the question to three straight spouses who have previously contributed comments to this blog.  I also asked my most obvious source, my own husband, who stumbled on a few pitfalls himself in our early days together.  All of us have walked this path and all contributed to the advice summarized here.

Common Challenges; Sage Advice

Fear and loss of trust.  Break-ups after a mate comes out are fraught with feelings of betrayal.  Trust has been destroyed because what appeared to be true was not.  The fear that such deception could happen again creates a long-lasting wound that takes years to heal.  Vague suspicion surrounds each potential suitor, who must prove his sincerity.  As one survivor noted, I think it’s a good idea for anyone who gets into a relationship with a straight spouse to expect occasional insecurity, even some suspicion that you might be hiding something. 

Kathe was specific about her requirements:  The big three I looked for in a new relationship were truth, faithfulness, and commitment.  I decided that I wouldn’t compromise any of them. Ask for and give complete honesty.  Talk through the source of fears and offer repeated reassurance that this is a new start.  That was then, this is now.  As Louella put it, I can go on trusting until I discover a reason for distrust.

Lingering anger.  Every divorced straight spouse carries hidden triggers or hooks for blocked anger.  It simmers under the surface and flares unexpectedly. Some hold it longer and more deeply than others.  Triggers are individual and unpredictable, rooted in past experiences that no one else can fully comprehend.  This pitfall requires patience, understanding, and often forgiveness.  A good practice is to try to stand in the straight spouse’s place, exchange yourself for her and see each incident from her perspective.  This develops empathy for her wound.  Recognize and try to avoid the hook that precipitated a particular outburst.  

Shame, self-doubt.  Straight spouses are repeatedly asked, “Didn’t you know?”  The implied “How could you not know?” is one source of the deep-seated shame that many feel.  Feeling stupid is the common result, often leading to long-term self-doubt.   Obviously the gay partner was adept at deception.  The kindest approach for a healing straight spouse is frequent, mutual reminders that the one who was misled is neither stupid nor blind—just deceived. 

Nervousness about intimacy.  Volatility in a new relationship may be rooted in sexual insecurity.  As Jackie put it, When you’ve been sexually rejected, or you’ve been blamed for the sex in your mixed-orientation marriage not being good, or you’ve otherwise had emotionally fraught experiences with sex, approaching sex again tends to be scary because in the past, it’s been traumatic. I think it’s a good idea for anyone who gets into a relationship with a straight spouse to occasionally expect some sexual insecurity.  Once again, patience, empathy, and understanding are needed.

Unexpected, recurring grief.  Changing family and social ties and the disintegration of one’s expected future invite bouts of recurring sadness for straight spouses.  They endure many losses that have to be grieved, sooner or later:  Divorce, loss of identity, shaken friendships, family alienation, feelings of worthlessness. 

Deep wounds require long healing.  Louella Komuves wrote a book to help herself heal (Silent Sagas: Unsung Sorrows, iUniverse, 2006).  After eleven years happily remarried, Louella recalls an example of repeated grief.  The date of her anniversary with her first [gay] husband was approaching.  Next year, that anniversary will be 50 years ago that we married.  When I realized that, suddenly I needed to be "sad" because that time would not be celebrated in the very special ways that both my parents and in-laws enjoyed. . . . However, knowing that my second husband is a great listener, I had no trouble sharing with him my sadness.  Once I said aloud what I was feeling, it was like getting the thought "out of my body" and gave me the renewed freedom to be content in my current status.  It is natural to grieve personal losses, like missing a benchmark anniversary, but episodes like this pass even more quickly with an understanding listener. 

Shared values.  For many straight spouses, compatible spiritual paths are a vital component of complete recovery.  Shared spirituality as a core value grounds relationships.  At the very least, tolerance for differences in belief systems is essential for lasting connection.  As Louella observes, it was not important that the man belong to my religion (mainline Protestant denomination), but I needed him to know how important my personal involvement in church activities is to me.  Though her husband feels welcome to participate, he doesn’t feel obligated to join Louella’s church.  Instead, each encourages the other to practice their individual spiritual journeys—in a loving, open, supportive atmosphere. 

Wisdom from experience.  My husband, Dale, who has lived through Kevin’s dilemma, offers his advice on loving and understanding a recovering straight spouse.

  • Examine yourself.  This new relationship is more complex than most.  What is your goal for the best possible outcome?
  • Keep talking!  When you hit a pitfall, ask exactly what happened and how it felt.  Ask her to help you understand her needs. Your own sensitivity is a good foundation for this developing relationship.   
  • Explore your own feelings and attitudes toward homosexuality and inform yourself about related issues. Learn the facts.
  • Be aware and accepting of her lifelong relationships formed prior to your life together.  Her family ties, her history with a gay husband, her children, friends from her previous life—these will not go away and may become more complicated.  You’ll have to put the pieces of this puzzle together in a new design that works for you both. 
  • You can’t hate.  Accept your new reality and try to drop negativity.  Also understand that her recovery will be complete when she can truly forgive.
  • Realize that long-term healing will be required.  It takes several years.
  • Finally, when you hook an emotional response, talk it out immediately and remember that the trigger episode from the past “doesn’t belong to you.”

Shared responsibility.  A survivor’s new mate should give frequent reassurance to support renewed self-confidence, but both people carry responsibility for the ultimate success of their developing partnership.  Jackie articulated the point very well:     

I still have a responsibility to be in good working order. It’s one thing to ask a partner to tag a base every now and then—“no, I’m not hiding anything” or “yes, I think you’re sexy”—but it’s not okay for me to be a constant ball of insecurity. I have a responsibility to know my triggers and not bite my partner’s head off if he accidentally sets one off. And if there are desires or habits that aren’t a good match, it may mean that we’re not sexually compatible--not because there’s something that needs to change about him. So, kudos on the sensitivity, but you never have to sign up for bad treatment or become a different person sexually just because a straight spouse has gone through a trauma.

Find professional help.  Addressing recurring issues requires unique solutions for each couple. There are no neat formulas to follow. For that reason, it is important, perhaps imperative, to engage in joint and individual counseling with informed professionals.  Use these resources to work out your best possible future.  Drawing from her own experience, Jackie’s reminder applies:  You never have to sign up for bad treatment or become a different person just because a straight spouse has gone through a trauma.  Hopefully, her great qualities outweigh these inconveniences, and the satisfying parts of the relationship are worth the price of admission.

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THE OTHER SIDE OF THE STORY

August 29th, 2014 by Carol Grever

 

Straight Spouse Connection was begun in 2008 to explore topics relevant to mixed-orientation families, particularly to the heterosexual partner in these relationships.  Most articles were intended to connect straight spouses with each other in a meaningful, positive way, to inform and comfort them, and to encourage their recovery after discovery of their spouse’s sexual secrets.  Given that core purpose, the complicated journeys of their gay mates were not emphasized—until now.

An exciting new book is just out that effectively addresses the question, “Why do gay and bisexual men marry women?  The Marrying Kind? by Charles Neal, a prominent British psychotherapist, gives brilliant insight into the needs, motivations, ramifications, and outcomes of these men.  Though it is aimed primarily at a gay male audience, it is an important contribution to the  literature for therapists, counselors, trainers, and especially for affected family members—wives, children and parents of these married gay men. 

Certified by the United Kingdom Council for Psychotherapy (UKCP), Neal has forty years’ experience in counseling. Among other accomplishments, he is founder and chair of the UK Association for Lesbian, Gay and Bisexual Psychologies and has taught and written on related topics. His own story in the final chapter adds credibility, written in the same format as the preceding chapters.  He is “a gay parent, a survivor of alcoholic parenting, abuse and bullying, and serious illness.”  He first married a woman, fathering two sons, and has now been married for more than three decades to his gay husband. 

The book relates experiences of ten gay and bi men, ending with the author’s own story.  In excruciating detail, they reveal their internalized oppression, fearfulness, insecurity, and shame that informed their decisions.  The need to belong and connect with community drove many.  Family or career pressure factored in.  Some hoped that marriage to a woman might change their homosexual desires, or at least “cover” them.  Some simply sought a stable domestic life, or longed to father children. 

Religious pressure was also a factor for many, especially those with fundamental Christian, Muslim, Hindu, Jewish, or Catholic beliefs.  Feeling unsupported or even persecuted by their religious communities, they chose conventional marriage as an escape.  With the authority of a counseling psychologist, the author adds his voice to other experts who discredit so-called “reparative therapy” to “convert” gays to straights.  Rather, sexuality is presented in all its nuances, as a process and a continuum that includes bisexuality, androgyny, blurred gender and other variations.  Simplistic solutions are neither applicable nor useful. 

Interestingly, the subjects interviewed for this book all came out in their thirties to fifties, after their children neared adulthood. This pattern has been observed in the United States as well. At mid-life, authenticity becomes more important.  Like their heartbroken wives, these men’s intimate personal stories reveal untold pain. 

Learning more about the other side of the story can be beneficial for recovering straight spouses.  The more we know, the better we can understand and move toward a favorable outcome and the final stage of recovery--empathy and forgiveness.

This is a book worth reading for any person whose family has been tested by a mixed-orientation marriage.  It is well written and reveals real people's experience.  The extensive bibliography and list of resources make the book even more useful.  I highly recommend it.         

                                                                        Carol

For more information, contact charles@charles-neal.com.

 

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SAVING WHAT MATTERS

July 31st, 2014 by Carol Grever

 

If you searched out Straight Spouse Connection, you are probably in the grip of grief.  Loss drives straight spouses to come here seeking information, comfort, and connection.  The articles here emphasize assurance that pain passes and a calmer, happier future is possible.  In many cases, the mixed-orientation crisis opens a door to something even better.

I found echoes of that inspiring truth in one of my favorite blogs, Andi O’Conor’s Burning Down the House:  Essays on the Poetry of Loss.   Andi’s family home burned when she was twelve, her parents and siblings barely escaping by jumping out second-story windows.  Again, as an adult, fire destroyed the home she’d built for herself in Four Mile Canyon near Boulder, Colorado.  Andi writes of these ironic, devastating losses in a wise, constructive way. 

Her latest post also has a link to her TED talk titled “A Pretty Good Deal.”  In this moving video, she gives convincing evidence that “losing everything can restore your faith in humanity.”

I highly recommend that you visit and browse Andi’s posts to learn how she overcame loss and grief and rebuilt a more rewarding life and career.  Her story is full of hope and it’s totally relevant to the straight spouse experience.  Above all, take ten minutes to watch her TED Talk. 

http://www.burningdownthehouseblog.com/a-pretty-good-deal

Like Andi, people in mixed orientation relationships may be living in a "house with walls that need to come down."  I’ve tested and witnessed that concept personally and found it sound.  Every seeming disaster in my past has somehow opened my heart and mind to something better.  That message is so beautifully stated in Andi's blog and her video.  I'm a grateful fan and I think you will be as well.

                                                                 Carol

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STRAIGHT GUY, LESBIAN WIFE: ONE MAN’S STRUGGLE

June 23rd, 2014 by Carol Grever

 

“Why I Care” was the very first article on Straight Spouse Connection, posted on May 19, 2008.  It launched this blog with an outline of my own experience as a straight spouse.  The site’s purpose?  “To explore topics relevant to mixed orientation families and particularly to other straight spouses.” 

Through the ensuing six years, most regular readers have been heterosexual women whose mates were gay.  The articles and reader comments were from the straight female partner’s point of view.  Recently, that trend has shifted a bit.  More stories and questions are surfacing from straight men with lesbian wives.

One such reader, who identifies himself as “Brassyhub,” agreed to write a guest post to describe his efforts to keep his mixed-orientation marriage together.  Here is his story.

 

As good as it gets?

Perhaps this is as good as it gets. After all, what is a successful mixed- orientation marriage?  Next month we will come to the first anniversary of my wife’s coming out as a lesbian.  And we’re still together, still exclusive and faithful to each other, and intending to continue that way.

What a year of trauma it has been, mostly for me, but some for her too.  The “D” word has been spoken, divorce.  We’ve looked at all the other options:  an open marriage, one side or both.  Perhaps we’re going for the hardest option, or perhaps it’s the easiest, the one involving the least change.  We both felt too old to start new lives.  After all, there’s no guarantee of finding a better, more compatible partner even if we separate.  We’ve invested a lot, most of our lives, in THIS relationship.  And there’s a lot of good in it.  We like each other; we talk together; we do things together (and apart).  But we’ve never had much of a sex life, and now we have none.

We’ve agreed on a weekly cuddle, on a fixed time and day, and being the eternal optimist that I am, I can’t help hoping that this may become a little more.  But I think that for now, my wife simply isn’t able to give any more.  Her 30-year struggle against her lesbian nature and attractions left her asexual. So there’s very little intimacy that for me is such an important part of a marriage--the total giving and opening up, the vulnerability, the no hold-back, the closeness, the desire for the beloved other.  We’re both mourning this sexual component of a loving relationship that we’ve never known and will never know if we stay together as we plan. 

However, there’s a very deep connection all the same.  She trusted me, she shared with me her deepest struggle, her darkest secret.  We are friends and perhaps even lovers, but without the sex.  Can this be enough for me?  For her? We’ll see.  But it’s already a lot.  I have to learn to live in the present, with what I have, rather than dreaming of some future and improbable miraculous change.  This can be a good day, with lots of good things in it, even without sex.

Perhaps this is as good as it gets, and this is success, not the miracle that I have searched for on the web, trying to apply someone else’s experience to our situation, our relationship.  I wanted some magical way of arousing a lesbian who has no desire for me at all, but who has a lot of tenderness and affection all the same.  There are no secrets, and there is trust. That’s a pretty rare and precious gift too.

There are no guarantees for the future--but that’s true of every marriage.  Ours is just lived with a far greater realism about the fragility of all relationships.                                           Brassyhub

 

Brassyhub’s account raises several questions that each couple trying to remain together might ponder.  Among them:  What are their realistic options?  How strong is their mutual connection?  What are the felt needs of each partner?  Which of these needs are absolute, without which they must separate?   How much change can each tolerate?  What is each willing to give up in staying together?  Perhaps most important, do they still love and trust each other, even after their secrets are revealed?

Brassyhub’s clarity in assessing his unusual situation is laudable. As he realistically points out, there is no guarantee of permanence in any relationship.  His intention to stay in the present is good advice for us all. 

Comments are welcome, particularly from other men in similar situations. What is your experience as a male straight spouse?  How did you address your situation?  Do you have advice for Brassyhub?

 

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Posted in Current Affairs, Guest Posts, My Mission, Recovery Tips | 14 Comments »

PATTERNS OF STRAIGHT SPOUSE RECOVERY

February 2nd, 2014 by Carol Grever

 

New Jersey governor Jim McGreevey, Idaho Senator Larry Craig, evangelist Ted Haggard, and countless other famous men have made national news by disclosing their secret homosexuality.  Though these disclosures made national news, uncounted thousands of husbands and wives have also come out to their families in the privacy of their own homes. 

One common denominator behind the news stories and behind the closed doors is an unsuspecting mate blindsided by the truth.  These “straight spouses”--heterosexual people who unknowingly have partners who are gay—number in the millions, world-wide.  If you are reading this post, you probably have lived this drama yourself.

What happens to a straight spouse in the aftermath of such a disclosure?  Hundreds of anecdotal reports have reiterated a pattern of recovery that may seem quite familiar to both male and female readers of this blog.  Their journey proves the resiliency of the human spirit and demonstrates that healing and hope are possible.  Individual histories vary, of course, but there are predictable stages that most straight spouses experience.  For one just beginning this passage, it is worthwhile to summarize again the steps toward recovery that may be expected.   

Shock is the first reaction, if the gay spouse has successfully hidden his true sexual orientation.  As hard as it is for outsiders to understand, most straight spouses are genuinely surprised by their mate’s disclosure.  After the first jolt of realization, there may be an odd sense of relief.  This is the “Ah, then it wasn’t me!” reaction.  In a mixed-orientation relationship, the straight partner often feels responsible for the couple’s distance or lack of intimacy, that he or she isn’t attractive enough or sexy enough or smart enough. Just knowing that they have not caused the rift gives brief comfort.  

Relief is quickly followed by intense confusion.  Everything that seemed clear is suddenly in question.  For some, the easiest course is denial, hiding from painful reality. “Maybe there’s some mistake.”  “Maybe this is a passing phase.”   “Maybe therapy will change her sexual orientation.  Denial is a fruitless defense and is doomed to disappointment. 

Some straight partners continue to feel responsible for the dilemma and persist in self-blame.  “Was this my fault?”  or “How could I be so blind and stupid!”  This is a misguided response since sexual orientation is inborn and no one “causes” it.  Nor can we deny it or change it.  Moreover, if the gay spouse has successfully concealed the fundamental truth, sometimes for decades, he or she has become adept at hiding and lying.  This is not the mate’s fault! 

People who tend to blame themselves for this disrupting revelation also tend to feel deep sympathy for their partner.  They see that hiding one’s true sexual identity is exhausting and debilitating, and they feel genuine pity for their spouse.    

Regardless of their empathy, knowing the truth generates deep grief.  Learning that one’s spouse is not what he seemed topples everything familiar. All we thought we knew is in doubt and the loss is like a death.  In fact, a spouse’s coming out destroys the security of the present and casts the future into doubt.  Nothing will unfold as planned and expected.  Fear and uncertainty eventually ignite anger, directed sometimes at the mate and more often at the whole confusing mess in their relationship. 

Behind anger is hurt, and beyond the anger is despair, alternating with deepened rage.  This stage is the most dangerous, for these destructive emotions may turn against oneself.  If rage and despair are prolonged, they may precipitate complete self-destruction through addictions, violence toward others, or even suicide.  Professional help is essential in these cases.

While the discovery of one’s mixed-orientation relationship is inevitably painful, most straight spouses experience a turning point at which they begin to accept their new reality.  Seeing clearly and accepting the fact of your loved one’s sexual orientation is crucial.  Accepting what cannot be changed allows movement toward a positive resolution.  Patience is needed because it always takes time to reach acceptance—months for the lucky few, years for most.  Recognition of reality is the first step.  Difficult decisions then follow—whether to make accommodations and stay together, or to separate.  Either decision requires incredible courage and a re-imagining of the future.  Both partners must reconfigure their future, together or apart, hopeful that they can both find comfort and happiness.

For both partners in these relationships, disruption is inevitable and disaster a real possibility.  For many, however, the disclosure episode is a gateway to freedom from doubt and deception.  This major turning point can be the beginning of something much more satisfying, the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to recreate one's identity and future.  The most successful people replace resentment with forgiveness, restore trust and hope, and find meaning beyond themselves.  They use the lessons learned to move past their hurt.

This pattern was reiterated dozens of times in the interviews I conducted for my books and documentary.  It is also an outline of my own recovery after my husband came out.  These stages are relatively predictable.  The best news is that it is possible to navigate these stages and arrive safely on the other side of this life event--healed and wiser for the experience.  Knowing what to expect along the way can be immensely helpful.

When a celebrity comes out of the closet, the news saturates the media.  As the headlines fade, the human aftermath is seldom reported and outcomes are a mystery.  How did Jim McGreevey and his former wife end their episode after his announcement faded from the news?  What about the other formerly closeted celebrities?  It’s highly probable that, like the rest of us, their families are slogging through their own version of these same stages of recovery. Best wishes for ultimate happiness for us all!  

Posted in My Mission, Recovery Tips | 9 Comments »

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