I received an email this week from a woman whose
story gave me chills. It was a close
parallel of my own experience in discovering my husband’s homosexuality: Thirty years of marriage, grown children, a
secret bank account to assure his separate financial ease, withdrawal from sex
and affection, mysterious absences, and on and on. It was like reading again the first chapter
of My Husband Is Gay! And it was an emotional reminder that the
straight spouse saga continues for millions of people even now.
Why does this keep happening? One obvious reason is remaining societal
pressure to hide homosexual orientation—to pretend to be straight and to carry
that pretense into marriage with an unsuspecting partner. Until gays no longer fear “being found out,”
until their careers are no longer threatened, until their families and churches accept them for who they really
are, mixed-orientation relationships will continue to be consummated—usually
headed toward heartbreak and dissolution.
I have heard it countless times from married gays: “I played the role as long as I could, as
long as I could stand to live that lie.”
When that breaking point is reached, the marriage contract is breached,
and everyone involved suffers.
If same-sex marriage were legalized and socially
accepted, there would be no need for anyone to hide his or her sexual
orientation and a possible end to the straight spouse calamity. That’s why the Straight Spouse Network and
other peer support organizations urge legalization. In the upcoming U.S. election, this debate has
utterly polarized the population. Half a
dozen states and the District of Columbia have already legalized gay marriage,
giving a hint of hope for broader acceptance and change. The fact that the issue is in the national
conversation at all is a sign of progress.
Presidential candidates are on opposite poles
here. Barack Obama supports legal
recognition of same-sex marriage, as decided by states. Mitt Romney says it should be banned completely
with an amendment to the U.S. Constitution.
In Maine, Maryland, and the state of Washington, voters will decide
whether to legalize gay marriage. Residents of four additional states will vote
this November on related questions. But
strong resistance is still apparent:
Minnesota voters will decide whether to ban gay marriage in their state constitution, as 30 other states
have already done.
Growing acknowledgement that our sexual
orientation is not a “choice,” that it is inborn and irreversible, is a
positive sign. But the ultimate goal of
tolerance and acceptance of all sexual identities is yet unattained; witness
the persistent advocacy of psychologically damaging “reparative” or “gay
conversion therapy.” Overwhelming
societal prejudice continues to push gay people to marry heterosexual partners out
of fear and shame.
I believe that few gay people enter marriage with
the cynical intention of hurting their mates.
In fact, I think that the opposite is true. They may marry for love with a misguided wish
to change their orientation; they may want children of their own; they may be
supporting an ambitious career; they may have conservative religious prescriptions
or strong family pressures. These and
other factors affect a gay person’s decision to marry a straight mate. However, for all but a small fraction of
couples, none of these reasons will sustain the marriage over a lifetime. Sooner or later, cracks appear in the
previously impervious intentions. The
marriage fails.
One phrase from last week’s email stays with
me: “I feel like he died, the man that I
thought I married.” This is the poignant
result of decades of lies. While every
straight spouse message I receive is different in details, all are the same in
one respect. These mixed relationships
are built upon a basic untruth, a denial of one partner’s sexual reality. When that denial crumbles, the world falls apart
for the straight spouse. My response to that distraught woman was
familiar: “This is not your fault and
you are not responsible for what he has done.
You are also not alone! We are
like millions of others whose trust has been broken by a gay mate.”
Though it’s hard to find a bright spot in the
midst of such crisis, experience proves that survival and a happier future are
possible. Society is slowly progressing
toward more enlightened acceptance and straight spouses do have increased
resources for recovery through the Internet and a widening range of therapeutic
tools. Even in the darkness of despair, one
can still see the stars.
