Posts Tagged ‘addiction’

STANDING UP TO ADDICTIONS

July 27th, 2015 by Carol Grever

 

When the obstacles of a mixed orientation relationship are complicated by addictions, challenges multiply.  Whether the addiction is to drugs or alcohol or some other debilitating habit—pornography or gambling perhaps—layers of complexity make the family’s burden even harder to bear.  Addiction kills relationships.  Without outside help, liberation is nearly out of reach.

To address this issue, I sought advice from a close friend who nearly lost his life to his own addiction.  He is now actively engaged in Alcoholics Anonymous and has been free of substance abuse for fourteen years.  He mentors others in the 12-step program and offered the following approach to recovery. 

Concentrate on working the steps with a trusted, seasoned sponsor within a peer group, such as AA or Al-Anon.  As AA’s Big Book emphasizes, staying sober requires a “psychic change” that entails spiritual undergirding.  The spiritual quest begins with identifying your own “higher power.” Individual concepts of this power vary greatly.  If you are connected with a particular religion, that is an obvious approach.  If you have no religious affiliation, you might seek support in one of many perennial wisdom traditions of east or west.  These offer truths that have lasted through the ages.  Read widely and experiment to meet your unique needs.

There is no single “right path,” but identifying a power beyond yourself fosters courage to fight addiction, as well as straight spouse challenges.  For many, the well-known Serenity Prayer is helpful in times of discouragement.  Written by theologian Reinhold Niebuhr, it offers valuable aspiration:

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

courage to change the things I can,

and wisdom to know the difference.

Most spiritual traditions emphasize kindness toward others as a basic value.  That principle is included in AA's work through personal assessments, unloading resentments, and making amends for previous harm done to others.  Perennial wisdom traditions also teach compassion, gratitude, forgiveness, helpfulness, and right-sizing the ego. These values appear in some form in most world wisdom teachings, though AA has codified them specifically to address addiction.  In addition, the organization also reminds participants not to be a doormat for the world's judgments.  Treat yourself kindly as well. 

At every meeting, AA testifies to the fact that addiction kills.  To support recovery, establish some personal goals with a reasonable time frame. Overnight cures are unrealistic.  Progress is always “one day at a time” for sobriety and for advancement of personal psychic change.

This tested advice applies to both addiction and to straight spouse recovery.  My friend’s counsel, summarized here, is based on his long involvement with AA and the witness of his own recovery into a clean, sober, and happily married state.  His life was saved and renewed through that organization.  If AA is not available to you or does not fit your needs, alternative resources can be identified online. 

During any kind of recovery, it is also important to have a trusted person to confide in--a relative, friend, pastor, or qualified counselor.  Talk your situation through.  Peer groups are invaluable.  Find a network of people who are also faced with your specific problems, and contact them in person or online.  Today, the internet is the first and most accessible way to locate such allies.  Above all, know that you are not alone, that others have faced and overcome these ordeals.  It is possible to recover and thrive!

These suggestions from my friend have been proven effective for decades by Alcoholics Anonymous. My personal advice for straight spouses and also those suffering addictions is to take care of your mind, body, and spirit in the best ways you know. Don’t sacrifice yourself to any toxic situation.  Listen to your innermost feelings and consider your best options, then go forward with resolve.

 

ADDICTIONS COMPLICATE STRAIGHT SPOUSE DILEMMA

April 23rd, 2011 by Carol Grever

The complexities of a mixed-orientation marriage increase exponentially when one or both partners suffer addictions.  A recent email from a straight spouse highlighted this multi-layered affliction.  Here is an excerpt from her message.

My husband and I met over 13 years ago. . . . Twelve years later he came out to me and to many acquaintances.  At first I did not see how it could change what we had.  Now that he has been out for a few months, I am having difficulty coping with my feelings.  We still love each other, but I have lost my trust in him . . . .  I feel all alone.  We both suffer from alcoholism and drug addiction.  We have over six months of recovery and are active members of AA.  That is why this all came up.  My husband was working on clearing the wreckage of his past, and his true self came to the surface. 

Addictions themselves add enormous difficulty to the problems of a coming-out event.  Two major life changes are happening at once—getting sober and revealing one’s true sexual identity.  The entire family is affected by both challenges.  While the12-Step program of Alcoholics Anonymous has effectively helped millions recover from dependence on alcohol and drugs, working through the steps transforms people in fundamental ways.  They set out to conquer their addiction, but in the process they alter their ideals, standards, and daily life.  An elemental shift is happening, whether it is the gay or the straight partner engaged in the AA program. 

These psychic alterations further complicate their marital dilemma.  For example, AA’s Step 4 requires a deep and fearless moral inventory of character defects and wrongs done.  Step 5 demands openly admitting those wrongs to a neutral party.  Steps 8 and 9 require making amends to anyone harmed by earlier actions.  People spend months or years occupied with these steps toward sober living. 

The drama is even more complicated when both partners are in AA.  If they both fully participate in the 12-Step program, each understands the transformational process.  But if only one partner experiences this psychic shift, the mate’s alienation increases.  The chasm widens and the probability of saving their marriage diminishes even further.  Still, the indisputable benefits of overcoming a drug and/or alcohol addiction make recovery efforts intrinsically worthwhile. 

Perceived dangers to a rocky mixed-orientation marriage should not deter an alcoholic from joining AA.  Day by day, recovering addicts and alcoholics reconfigure their very lives.  Sincere adherence to AA’s 12 Steps can lead to freedom from addiction, while simultaneously mapping a very different life path.  The work involves total honesty around self-centeredness, resentments, fear, and sexual behavior.  A spiritual awakening often occurs as a person’s “Higher Power” is identified.  Viewpoint, values, and lifestyle all drastically change.  Lies and secrecy are no longer tolerated.  Minds are clear, not muddled by chemicals.  Ongoing personal assessments fuel even more change. 

At best, compassion, forgiveness, gratitude, and humanitarian service are evidence of the personal growth encouraged by AA.  The downside is that the partners may grow in different directions and recovery from addiction becomes another catalyst to separate.  However, statistically, these gay-straight relationships have less than a 15% chance of survival under any circumstances, even if addiction is not present.  The most positive conclusion, of course, is to have both partners living the life they choose, clean and sober, productive and proud, whether gay or straight, single or together.